Stronger Than Death
by racheeel-r
Summary: Post Mass Effect 3: The Reapers are gone but the battle isn't over for Shepard or Kaidan. As Kaidan tries to bring the Normandy home he uncovers new enemies and struggle against his own demons, believing Shepard was destroyed with the Citadel. Shepard battles against her own body as she tries to recover from her injuries.
1. Destruction

Chapter One: Destruction

Liara helped Kaidan into the med-bay but he only let Dr. Chakwas slap some medi-gel on him before he returned to the bridge to listen to the comms, the majority of the crew were already there. Kaidan pushed his way to Joker's side as various voices crackled through the speakers:

"_God…they're all gone" _

"_Did we get anyone to the beam?"_

"_Negative. Our entire force was decimated."_

"No!" Kaidan yelled in anguish, he lurched forward, punching at the nearest console, his biotics surged as he lost control.

"Someone grab him before he does some serious damage!" Joker shouted.

Vega pulled Kaidan's arms behind his back, but Kaidan threw the larger man off with his biotics. Kaidan had controlled the force enough not to hurt him, but it had sent Vega off balance. Kaidan adopted a defensive stance and gave Vega his best 'I mean business look', ready to fight him if necessary. Whilst Kaidan's attention was focused on fending off Vega, Garrus took hold of the arm on his unguarded side. Kaidan span back towards Garrus but before he could retaliate Vega lurched forward and took firm hold of Kaidan's free arm. Kaidan fought against the restraints, but between them they quickly overpowered him.

The next few moments passed Kaidan in a haze. He couldn't think straight, he couldn't see straight, he had a migraine, but none of that mattered to him. The voices continued over the comms. Garrus and Vega were no longer acted as a restraint, rather support, holding him up as he slumped against them. As far as he was concerned this was all his fault. He should have never left her alone. He let the woman he loved go on another suicide mission without him. The woman that had **died**, yet he'd been given a second chance and he'd failed her, again. She might not come back to him this time and it would be his fault.

Liara sank down to his eye level and put her hands on his shoulders, trying to bring him back to the here and now, but Kaidan barely noticed her efforts. He was just repeating the same mantra in his head:

_No, no, no, no… _

Admiral Hackett's voice cut through Kaidan's trance:

"_Holy shit. She did it. This is the admiral. We've got reports that someone made it to the Citadel."_

Kaidan's head snapped up as tears streamed down his face. Hackett started giving orders to the Alliance fleet but Kaidan was no longer listening. He waited with a bated breath, he wanted proof that she'd made it, that she was okay.

"She did it Kaidan, she's alive!" Liara smiled, tears filling her eyes as she gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze.

Joker laughed aloud, "Shepard is one invincible son of a bitch!... Wait, there's comms between Anderson and Shepard, patching them through."

Shepard's voice filled the bridge:

"_Don't get too far away from me." _

The pain in her voice was evident and it tore at Kaidan's soul.

"Shepard!" he called out.

"She can't hear you Kaidan, I've hacked into her omni-tool, this is a one way transmission. We're just going to have to wait it out." Joker explained.

Shepard and Anderson continued their conversation, trying to locate one another. It was so good to hear her voice, but it sounded weak and she was obviously seriously injured, Kaidan had never felt so useless. As Shepard and Anderson were reunited another voice joined theirs.

"_I underestimated you, Shepard." _

Everyone on the bridge stilled, tension filled the room, they all recognised that voice, the Illusive Man. The minutes felt like hours as everyone waited. They held a collective breath as they listened to the Illusive man's absurd rant about control, about controlling everything and everyone, including the Reapers. Shepard and Anderson tried to reason with him, but it was hopeless, the man was indoctrinated or delusional, perhaps both.

Then, a gun shot rung out, somebody on the bridge gasped.

"_I see what they did to you." _It was Shepard's voice, she was alright. But who had fired the shot? The conversation on the Citadel continued, the minutes felt like hours. Another gun shot went off, but there were no more voices over the comms. Everything went silent and there was no way for the Normandy to know if anyone had been hit. Just when Kaidan thought he couldn't take anymore Admiral Hackett spoke:

"_This is it, everyone. The arms are opening."_

_It's Shepard, it has to be, she made it._

For the first time since leaving Shepard on Earth Kaidan allowed himself to hope.

Moments later, Anderson and Shepard's voices filled the bridge, some of the crew cheered. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief, but he didn't celebrate; they weren't out of the woods yet. He wouldn't feel comfortable again until Shepard was by his side.

Shepard's voice was still heavy with pain, she was struggling to get her words out and Kaidan didn't like the turn her conversation with Anderson was taking, it sounded like a goodbye.

_Don't die, come on Shepard, stay with me, please… _

"Anderson's omni-tool has stopped reading a pulse, he's… dead." Joker slapped the arm of his chair and then angrily rubbed at his face.

Some crew aboard the Normandy were crying. Kaidan couldn't react, he could only think of Shepard. The seconds passed like hours.

"_Shepard. Commander!"_ Hackett was trying to raise Shepard over comms.

"_I—What do you need me to do?"_

From Hackett's instructions it appeared there was a problem with the Crucible.

_Please, hasn't she done enough? _

Kaidan was in agony, he just wanted her back. He wanted her safe in his arms where he could feel her warmth and the steady beat of her heart.

"_I don't see—I'm not sure how to…" _Shepard broke off.

"_Commander." _

No reply came.

"Is she alright? Is she still alive?" Kaidan snapped at Joker, angry tears fell from his eyes.

"I… I don't know!" Joker stuttered.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"She's disappeared! I can't reach her omni-tool, her signal is just… gone."

Kaidan let out a chocked sob, Garrus and Vega let go of his arms. Kaidan slumped forward, falling to the floor. Liara, already on her knees, caught him in her arms and placed a comforting hand on the back of his head. But the gesture would never be enough, his guilt consumed him and he gave into his grief as he wept into Liara's shoulder.

* * *

As the final bullet left her gun the cylinder exploded. The force pushed her backwards and the flames engulfed her.

Shepard knew from experience that in moments like this your life flashed before your eyes. But what most people didn't know was that after the memories came the hard part, the glimpse of the life you could no longer have. One face in particular stuck with her as the pain tore through her body.

_Kaidan… _

Images of the first time she had ever laid eyes on him aboard the first Normandy, the bright eyed LT who let his jaw fall open just enough to be noticeable at the sight of his new commanding officer. Her unhealthy fascination with the young soldier on Eden Prime. Repeatedly telling herself he captivated her because of his abilities, nothing more. Those first talks, where he bared his soul to her and spoke like she was the only person in the world he trusted. That night before Ilos when they finally gave into their desires. The destruction of the first Normandy. An unhappy reunion on Horizon. The new Major Alenko on Earth. The gut wrenching moment when she thought she had lost him on Mars. Clearing the air in Huerta Memorial Hospital. The armed stand off on the Citadel. Sanity checks. Last night. Goodbyes… Those beautiful brown eyes looking up at her in the face of raven haired children that would never be hers…

Then everything went black…

* * *

Joker frantically tried to relocate the Commander. Nobody else spoke as anxious looks were exchanged between the crew. Once he had calmed down Liara had given Kaidan some space - now he was numb, he didn't move, just stared blankly at the floor.

_Shepard… _

He felt sick. Hackett's voice crackled over the intercom:

"_All fleets! The Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point. I repeat: Disengage and get the hell out of here!"_

Joker didn't give up his search for the Commander, ignoring the Admiral's warning.

"Joker, listen. We have to go."

Joker hesitated…"Damn it." He began to pilot the Normandy away from the Crucible.

Kaidan buried his face in his hands.

_I can't lose her again. _

The crew kicked into action as the Normandy shot through space. In Kaidan's angst he barely registered what happened next. The Citadel had erupted with a red light and exploded. The red energy pursued the ship relentlessly through space, Joker jumped relay to relay until he lost track of where they were. But it wasn't enough, the red pulse engulfed them, Joker's console sent sparks flying, there was nothing he could do the Normandy was going to crash.

To Joker's right red electricity coursed over EDI's body, her frame shuddered as her circuits fried.

"EDI! - Someone do - something! Help her!" Joker cried, crew members went to her aid but Specialist Traynor moved to his side, blocking his view.

"Joker, you need to focus, the ship is crashing, if you don't do something we are all going to die and there will be no one alive to help EDI."

Joker let out a heavy sigh and located a planet close enough for him to perform a crash landing.

"Okay guys, grab a hold of something, you're in for a bumpy ride".

The force of the crash had sent Kaidan flying, he lay face down across the floor of the bridge. He sat himself up and used the back of his hand to wipe the blood from his forehead. He had no energy left to stand. There was chaos all around him and he knew he should do something, take control of the situation but he couldn't move. His thoughts of Shepard still consumed him. Tali knelt down to level with him.

"Kaidan… I- I am sorry, I know you loved Shepard, we all did. But she wouldn't want to see you like this, you need to be strong for her and for the sake of your crew. You are the senior officer here, we need you."

Later that night Kaidan sat on top of the Normandy, whisky in hand, he'd pulled himself together enough to organise the crew. Now with everyone assigned to their duties he had pledged to get blind, stinking drunk and he had more than achieved his objective. He looked out into the darkness, they had landed on some uncharted jungle planet. Even though it was late it was still hot and muggy. Kaidan felt a bead of sweat run down his chest and across his abdomen. He took another long swig of whisky, the bottle was almost empty. He was definitely drunk but he didn't feel any better. This wasn't doing him any good.

_Shit Shepard…_

He stood up, pacing up and down the Normandy trying to decide his next move.

"Shepard…" his voice was barely a whisper, saying her name hurt but the pain felt right. "SHEPARD! – SHEPARD?! - I'm here Shepard! It's over, I showed up! Where are you?! You promised! You promised me you'd be waiting!" He yelled into the darkness, pouring out all his aggression and pain.

"I feel like now is the time to believe in ghosts Shepard. So here I am!" He help his flung his arms open, outstretched and turned to the sky. "I'm here! I showed up -haunt me then! Drive me mad! Just don't leave me! - I SHOWED UP!" Kaidan shouted until he was red in the face. He flung his whiskey bottle into the darkness, there was a faint smashing sound far off in the distance as Kaidan fell to his hands and knees.

"I showed up…" he said softly.


	2. Awakening

Chapter Two: Awakening

Shepard opened her eyes and was greeted with the sight of fresh white linens. She rolled over underneath the covers, a sleeping Kaidan lay on his front facing her, head resting on his left arm, right arm stretched towards her. His eyes opened and he gave her a sleepy smile.

"Good morning beautiful" he said groggily. "Come here", he opened his right palm and offered it to her, she recognised that look in his eyes.

Suddenly, the booming drone of the reapers tore through the peace. Shepard was dragged backwards, covers flying past her head in a flurry of white. She tried to reach for Kaidan and take his hand, but it was useless, they were being rapidly pulled apart. Kaidan didn't move, nor did he react as she slipped further and further away from him, until he was just on dot on the horizon.

Shepard took a sharp intake of breath and opened her eyes…

* * *

Kaidan ran his fingers along her name, as if the caress would give him the chance to hold her one last time.

_I can't do this. I can't lose her, not again. _

He had assumed he would somehow know if she were dead; that he would feel different, feel the hole she had left in the galaxy. He had fallen to pieces last time, now he just felt numb. Perhaps that was because last time she hadn't really left him, - or had she? Exactly how much damage had been done before Cerberus had rebuilt her? Maybe last time her essence had clung here, waiting to return and the numb feeling meant she was really gone this time, or maybe it was just the Major's duty to the crew holding him together.

_She'd said she would be waiting for me._

He considered the facts: They had no proof she was really gone, she'd dropped off the grid and there had been an explosion. That didn't mean anything where Shepard was concerned. He would go back to what was left of the Citadel; he would find proof, find answers. Kaidan raised his head and a new energy filled him, hope.

_No, not proof, her… I will find her._

"She's not gone." His voice was barely a whisper.

"Kaidan…" Tali tried to comfort him but he cut her off. He knew he sounded crazy, he didn't need anyone's pity.

"She's not gone!" he commanded, louder, affirmative.

"And we will find her." Liara interjected before anyone could dissuade him. She believed him, that's what he needed hope and someone to believe in him, to believe in Shepard.

* * *

Shepard took another short breath. It was agony, every nerve ending screamed with pain. She tried to survey her surroundings but she couldn't move her head. She could see the open sky, millions of stars starred down at her. In her peripheral vision could see the destruction and rubble caused by the explosion. It looked as though a large beam of twisted metal lay on top of her legs, but without moving her head she couldn't tell for certain. She tried to move but her body wouldn't respond. She listened, but there was nothing to hear, apart from the sound of the harsh wind and the creaking of wreckage. She couldn't remember how she had got here or where here was. She tried to recall her last memory but her mind was blank. Panic filled her, she was going to die here, alone and afraid. She tried to focus, to remember something anything. Her name, she tried to remember… her name, what was her name?

_Shepard - my name is Shepard. _

The memory of her name comforted her. It was difficult to remember things, the effort had exhausted her. She was tired, too tired to think anymore. She let the memory of her name console her and repeated the word in her head as the darkness pulled her back into its cold embrace.

* * *

They'd moved EDI's body back into the AI core; it seemed the most logical place for her. The crew had held a memorial service for her but Joker was inconsolable. Kaidan didn't blame him. He couldn't decide which he hated more, the looks of sympathy and pity from some of the crew, or the ones that looked scared of him because they believed he'd finally lost his mind. Maybe he had. Vega fishing him off the roof of the ship certainly hadn't helped his image.

Two weeks had passed since the crash landing and reparations were almost complete. The comms system was completely fried and they just didn't have the means for repairing it. The morale was slipping, with the lack of information from earth the crew had no idea if their friends and family had survived and whether they had anything to go back for.

Kaidan faced a daily struggle trying to hold himself together; he had to for the sake of his crew. He owed it to Shepard to be the kind of leader she was. This was her crew, they loved her too and most of them were also mourning her loss. No matter how much Kaidan asserted that she was still alive, most didn't believe him. Not that they told him so, but he could sense their doubt and see it in their faces. He wasn't sure if he really believed it himself, maybe he was just lying to himself, but he had to do something to stop from falling apart.

A few days later they were given the all clear, the Normandy was as ready as she'd ever be. Kaidan walked through to the bridge.

"Major" Joker's tone was professional but his voice was wrought with emotion.

"She all set to go Joker?"

"Yep, can't wait to get off this God forsaken plant. I mean it's beautiful and all, but the humidity, urgh! The relay's are out, so looks like we're taking the slow route home, could take months." Joker's attempt to cover up his emotion with conversation, but it was not lost on Kaidan.

"Joker, if you ever need to talk, I'm here, you know?"

"I'm…" Joker let out a sigh and buried his head in his hands. "I just miss her you know? And I have to sit here looking at her empty chair. I want to give up, but I can't, people are counting on me. But I guess you know what that's like…" Joker trailed off as he looked to Kaidan.

"Yes, Yes I do." Kaidan kept his eyes to the front, pretending to be studying the screens to stop himself from breaking down.

"What was it like when you lost her? The first time I mean? If you don't mind me asking" Joker quizzed. Kaidan closed his eyes, he wasn't sure if it was to help him think or to hide the forming tears.

"Hard… and she was everywhere, all those posters… everywhere." Kaidan's voice cracked. Joker was a good friend and pretended he didn't hear it.

"Yeah I remember, 'Commander Shepard, saviour of the Citadel!'" Joker announced in his best advertising voice. "They left off the part about ignoring her warnings and fighting her every step of the way, huh?"

"It was like a knife in the gut every time I saw her picture."

"Do you really think she survived the explosion?"

Kaidan paused.

"I…" He sighed. "I- I have to. I don't think I could do it again… It took me so long to pick up the pieces- I was just getting my life back together again and – and then there she was, alive again. I was so angry… now, I - all I can think, is all that time I… wasted… I-" Kaidan broke off.

"Hey, it's all right, you don't have to say anymore. She's alive, I know it. Only Shepard could have activated the Crucible and I'm pretty sure she's immortal or indestructible or something. Can you imagine what the posters will say this time? 'Commander Shepard saviour of the Universe! Brackets, we're sorry, you were right all along, close brackets'" Joker smiled trying to lighten the mood. "When we get back to Earth the first round's on her! Now let's get our asses out of here". With that Joker started preparing the Normandy for flight.

"Joker, just remember, with everything that has happened to us in the last few years, anything is possible – never give up."

Joker nodded, a silent thank you passed between them as Joker piloted the ship off planet.

* * *

The handsome, smiling face of a raven haired man broke the through darkness and pulled Shepard out of the black abyss. She clung to the image, trying to grab a foothold on reality. Only this wasn't reality, he wasn't really there, but it was still something to focus on in the nothingness. Steadily, she became vaguely aware of voices, they were far away, but they were real, someone was here. The face faded before her eyes but she didn't open them, she needed to conserve her strength. She tried to call out but nothing came. She focused all her energy, she was strong, she could do this. Using everything she could muster, she tried again…

"K-" Her lungs erupted and she coughed up a mouth full of blood.

"Did you hear that?" The voice was familiar; she could not think clearly enough to place it.

"It came from that direction."

Heavy foot steps pounded closer.

"It's her! It's Shepard! She's alive!"

"Come in bridge. Yes, we have her, we have the commander."

The one with the familiar voice came closer and knelt beside her. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

_Not human, alien… Something beginning with K –Krogan, he was a Krogan. _

"It is good to see you alive, Battle Master."

Relief flooded through her, she would not die her, she relaxed and let the darkness take her once more.

Voices echoed through the darkness that surrounded her, Shepard walked towards them. She moved forward as if she was floating. She looked down; she could not see her own body. She had no form, she moved through the darkness as if she were nothing herself. In the distance a light glowed faintly, she walked towards it and the voices became clearer.

"This is not your place Siha." A deep voice called to her from the light.

Shepard stopped, she looked around there was no where else to go, only the light. The light made her feel safe, happy, she wanted to be apart of it.

"Not yet Skipper, it's not your time. We'll be here, but you can't join us, not yet. You have to live Shepard, for us. You have to go back." A woman's voice whispered to her.

"Shepard!" a male voice called out to her, only it wasn't from the same direction as the light. She turned; the raven haired man was here. Unlike the other voices, she could see him in the darkness. He stood on the opposite side of the black expanse. He extended an arm to her, she had to choose.

Shepard stood in the middle of the two, looking from right to left, between the light and the man. The light made her feel happy, like it was glowing inside of her. But there was something about the man, there was pain in his face and she felt as though she trusted him implicitly.

"Go get him Commander. I'll see you all when you get back." The woman spoke again.

She took one last look at the light and made her decision. She turned around and ran to the man. Just as he took her in to his arms everything disappeared.

Once again, Shepard was pushed to the edge of consciousness, this time things were different. The pain and the weight of her mangled armour were gone, it was warm and there was the faint beeping of equipment. Voices interrupted her thoughts.

"I brought you these, they are the records from Cerberus' Lazarus project, I thought they might be useful."

Shepard tried to place the voice but her head was groggy. It sounded familiar.

She tried to call out again, but her voice would not come.

"Thank you, these will be invaluable, this will increase the commander's recovery tenfold. Her condition has been touch and go for a while."

"It's the least I could do. Please if you need anything else don't hesitate to contact me… Please, do everything you can for her doctor." Shepard listened as foot steps walked away.

_Doctor, there was a doctor here._

A hand opened her eye and shone a bright light in to it.

"I think she is waking up, increase the sedative, best to keep her in a coma for now."

_No, I want to wake up, please… _

But it was useless, the drugs flooded her system and once again Shepard's world faded to black.

"It's just a matter of time now, we have stopped inducing a medical coma, she should wake up soon." It was the same voice that Shepard had heard before; it was always here now when she reached the edge of consciousness.

"Erm, thank you doctor"

_Doctor, the voice, the one that was always here, it is a doctor - my doctor. They were talking about me…Yes, I want to wake up… _

"No problem. I will leave you alone; it might help her if you talk to her".

After a moment or two the voice that had thanked the doctor began to speak. It was a different voice than before, not the one that spoke of records and projects.

"Hey Shepard, can you hear me? No of course you can't I'm talking to myself like a fucking idiot. Do you reckon they tell you to talk to people in comas so they can record it and have a good laugh at you later?" The person let out a heavy sigh. "Just in case you can hear me in there… Please wake up Shepard… I… You're the only real friend I've ever had." They let out a chocked sob, which sounded wrong and unnatural, like the person who made it didn't usually express emotion. Shepard concentrated on the voice, she had heard it before, but where?

_It sounded female, yes – definitely female. _

Shepard longed to move, to open her eyes, to do something to show she could hear her, but her body refused to co-operate. She felt the woman take her hand in her own. She began to tell Shepard the latest tales about the people she called her students. Shepard listened intently putting the pieces of the puzzle of this mystery woman together until she was exhausted and once again the darkness came calling for her.

The raven haired man stood in front of her, he wore armour and a concerned look upon his face.

"When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You better show up." Shepard spoke involuntarily.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." The man replied, his voice heavy with emotion. Shepard tried to think.

_Is this a dream? _

It seemed so real to her, but beyond the two of them was the usual black expanse of nothingness.

_No, not a dream… a fractured piece of a memory. _

"I can't lose you again." As the man spoke Shepard felt a rush in her soul and the darkness crumbled around them.

Shepard opened her eyes, it was dark, but not like the darkness that had been her prison for so long now. She realised she was in a hospital and it was night time. She still felt hazy and confused. She tried to move her head to the right and to her surprise her body complied. A figure slept in a chair in the corner of the room; it was too dark to make out much.

"Kaidan?" She called out. It was the first word that came into her head, she couldn't think why.

The sound of her own voice shocked her, it was so frail. Had she always sounded like this? She didn't think so. The figure in the chair stirred and raised its head. After a moment it stood up and approached the bed cautiously.

"Shepard, was that you? Are you awake?"

As she stepped into the moon light streaming through the hospital window, Shepard could make out the tattooed scantily clad form of a woman, the voice that had been her companion.

"It's good to see you, you crazy mother fucker!" The woman's eyes glistened with tears. "Listen, hold tight, I'm going to get the doctor" the woman smiled, turned on her heals and ran into the corridor.


	3. Recovery

Chapter Three: Recovery

Jack returned, followed by a doctor with auburn hair and a pretty face.

"Commander, it is good to see you finally awake" the Doctor smiled.

Shepard's head was foggy and muddled with questions; she looked from one person to the other, trying to remember how she had gotten here.

"You saved the galaxy once again Commander; we owe you a great debt, one we can never repay. But we'll start by getting you back on your feet." The Doctor said as she approached the bed and began to run tests on the Commander's vitals.

"How long have I been out?" Shepard was still shocked by the frailty in her own voice.

"3 months. You were severely injured; you might not have made it if it weren't for your cybernetic implants and the help of Miranda Lawson."

"Yeah the ex-Cerberus bitch stole files from the Lazarus project" the tattooed woman interjected, clearly not wanting to be left out of the conversation.

"They were instrumental in your recovery, at the very least you would have been incapacitated for a lot longer, at the worst you may not have ever recovered at all."

Shepard remained silent, the way the pair addressed her was familiar and she wasn't sure how to explain that she didn't have a clue who they were.

Her silence was not missed by the doctor and her face became puzzled.

"How are you feeling Commander?"

"I feel fine, all things considered." Shepard tried to keep her response light and care free.

"Do you remember what happened prior to the explosion?" the Doctor continued obviously unsatisfied.

"I -" Shepard sighed "No."

"And before that? What is the last thing you remember? Do you know what year it is? Do you remember meeting either of us before? Do you know who we are?" The Doctor gestured to the woman beside her. The look of concern increased on the Doctor's face, whilst the tattooed woman looked somewhere between panicked and hurt.

"That's a lot of questions Doc, which would you like me to answer first?" Shepard let out a pathetic attempt at a laugh and instantly regretted it, it hurt.

"Take your pick Commander."

Shepard stared down at her hands and thought, hard.

"I don't remember anything, except my name." She gave a defeated shrug. "I'm sorry, I don't remember either of you, I'm assuming I should?"

A solitary tear ran down the tattooed woman's cheek and she instantly wiped it away.

"Hmmm…" The Doctor shone a light into Shepard's pupils, then picked up her chart and started to scribble away. "What you are describing is post-traumatic amnesia. It is common with a severe head injury, I am sorry I should have prepared for this eventuality. I had assumed your cybernetic implants would have dealt with any brain damage sufficiently enough to prevent memory loss."

"Are you fucking shitting me?! You assumed?! Good work doc! Fuck - so Shepard has… amnesia?" The tattooed woman shouted making Shepard blink back in surprise.

"Please remain calm; the stress will not be good for the Commander." The Doctor gestured to a chair positioned next the Shepard's bed and Jack sat, she then turned her attention back to Shepard. "Commander, your chances of recovering your memory are good, with this type of amnesia the time it takes to remember depends of the severity of the head injury. Your injuries were extensive, so it is not surprising that you are experiencing memory loss. But obviously, as the weeks pass, the odds of a good recovery diminish. Your other injuries mean you have to remain in the hospital, so we will be able to monitor both your body and mind. There are also things we can do to try and prompt your memory; we will do everything we can. But for now, my name is Dr Michel, as you gathered we have met before. This is Jack; she was your companion aboard the Normandy SR-2."

"The Normandy?" It was a lot of information; Shepard felt she was drowning in it. But something about the name resonated with her; it felt appropriate to ask this question first.

The Doctor and Jack exchanged a worried glance; if they were trying to be subtle they were failing miserably. Whatever she had asked the answer was not going to be good. Dr. Michel gave Jack a silent nod in answer to an unspoken question.

"Shepard, you are an Alliance Soldier, the best. The Normandy was your ship; the people were your crew." Jack took Shepard's hand. "Shepard… The Normandy is MIA. They're presumed dead." Jack scanned Shepard's face for some kind of reaction. Shepard stared back, her brow furrowed; the words didn't really mean anything to her, or strike any emotional response, she didn't know how she was supposed to feel about any of this.

* * *

The next day Shepard pushed some disgusting hospital food round her plate.

"You have to eat Shepard, you nearly died." Jack looked at Shepard's meal and turned her nose up. "Urgh! Not that I blame you for not wanting to eat THAT! Tell you what, I will smuggle you some real food in later. Whatever you want. Actually, do you even remember your own food preferences?"

Shepard liked Jack; she could see why they had been friends. Jack was funny, not in a cracking a joke a minute kind of way but something about her made Shepard smile. She took no prisoners either and Shepard liked that. Just as she was about to reply to Jack's question a nurse entered.

"Excuse me, an Admiral Hackett to see you Commander Shepard, shall I show him in?" the nurse asked.

"Yes, please."

The nurse nodded politely and left the room.

_Any excuse not eating that._ She thought as she pushed her plate away.

A man in Alliance uniform entered the room in the nurse's wake. He had a grey beard, a serious look and obvious scars from battles fought. Shepard didn't remember him.

"Commander Shepard" he said as he saluted with practiced precision and surveyed her warily.

"Admiral Hackett, I presume? Pleased to meet you. Do you know Jack? You have to forgive me, I don't remember these things."

"We have not had the pleasure of meeting in person." He nodded formally at Jack before returning his attention back to Shepard. "I came as soon as I heard that you were awake. It's good to see you alive and in the flesh Commander, it has been too long." He placed his arms behind his back and began to address Shepard more casually. "I'm sorry Commander. I have been informed of your condition. It is strange to talk as though we have never met. You are the best damn Soldier I have ever known, you have done things I never thought we would achieve. You saved the Galaxy, you're a damned hero and yet you are still the one suffering." Hackett hung his head and shock it, almost as if he were ashamed of something.

"I am alive, that is enough for me Admiral."

"Well it's not enough for me Shepard." His voice was stern, like he almost lost his cool. Which Shepard imagined didn't happen very often. He sighed and moved across the room to gaze out of the window. "The doctor told me that prompts would help you remember, so I have prepared some files on you and your crew mates. I will pass them to you companion here." He gestured toward Jack. "I hope she will not mind taking you through them. Maybe something in there will help."

"Yeah, sure, not a problem." Jack replied.

"Thank you." He turned away from the window to face the bed once again. "One more thing, if it is okay with you, I wish to keep the news of your amnesia on a need to know basis. The Galaxy, Earth in particular, is still recovering from this war. You are a symbol to these people Shepard and I cannot predict how this would affect morale. They still need something to believe in Shepard, and at the moment that's you."

"Of course, whatever you think is best."

The Admiral let out a relieved sigh.

"You haven't changed Commander. There was a time I thought I would never see you again, I'm glad you made it. I am proud to call you an Alliance Soldier." He paused. "Unfortunately, I can't stay; I have a meeting to attend… Keep well, Shepard." He saluted again and headed for the door.

"Admiral?" Shepard said quickly before he could reach the door. He turned to face her. "Will you update me on any news about the Normandy? I know I don't remember them, but still…"

"You have my word; you will know the moment I do." The Admiral left the room.

* * *

"Liara T'soni, asari, expert on the Protheans. You first met her on Therum after you'd killed her mother, Matriach Benezia… classy Shepard, it's a surprise you have any friends... She joined you on the Normandy SR-1 and then again on the SR-2 when the Reapers hit. She also recovered your body for Cerberus after the destruction of the first Normandy." Jack held the data pad up to Shepard, Liara's image slowly rotated in front of her. "Anything?" Jack questioned.

"No, not a thing" Shepard sighed "Next one."

Jack took the data pad back from Shepard and pressed a few buttons.

"Well..." Jack lips curled in a predatory smirk "Wow. Now this is where I wish you had your memory; I'd be asking you for every single grisly detail… Mmmmm, I would want to know everything thing about him, I want to know what he sounds like, I want to know how he smells, I wanna know what he tastes like-"

"Why on Earth would you think I know anything about what any of my crew taste like?" Shepard raised an eyebrow and Jack gave her a knowing smile.

"Shepard!" Jack thrust the data pad at her. "You're telling me that you would have this guy walking round your ship and you would resist the urge to lick your way along those tattoos?" Shepard glared at Jack and then looked at the image of the muscular man.

"Can't say I remember doing so. Name?" Jack took back the pad.

"James Vega, relatively new addition. He was your guard whilst you were incarcerated at Alliance HQ and joined you on the Normandy SR-2 after the reapers hit earth. Hmmm… I suppose you did always prefer boy scouts Shepard." She grinned.

"What do you mean by that?" Shepard demanded.

Jack laughed, "I'm sorry but being the one to remind you of all this is proving rather entertaining… Here, Major Alenko. He was already aboard the Normandy back when it was under the command of Captain Anderson. He was part of your squad on Eden Prime, back then he was a Lieutenant. He remained on the Normandy SR-1 with you until it was destroyed. He returned to the Normandy SR-2 after the reapers hit Earth. Not before some hospital time and gaining Spectre status. The second human spectre after yourself. Powerful L2 biotic, hasn't got a patch on me though. I met him once, on a place called Horizon, during the Collector attacks whilst we were working with Cerberus. Can't say he made a good impression, he was being a jerk to you. I didn't like it." Jack passed the data pad back, this time letting Shepard take hold herself.

"Maybe I did something to deserve it?" Shepard said as she took the data pad in both hands and peered at the image. Tears pricked her in eyes. It was him, the raven haired man…

"This man… He - he's in my dreams. Whilst I was in the coma and even now. He's in all of them." She raised her head and looked up at Jack. "What did you say his name was?" She demanded.

Jack looked surprised and confused, "Ermmm… Major Alenko, Major K-"

"Kaidan Alenko" Shepard said as she starred down at the screen. It was the name she'd said when she first woke up in the hospital, now she knew why.

"Hey, did you just remember that? Do you remember him?" Jack asked excitedly.

"I don't remember anything about him, just his face and his name, Kaidan." She continued to stare at the face that had been her only companion in the darkness.

Kaidan…

That night, after Jack had gone, Shepard took the data pad that had been left on her bedside table. She reopened Kaidan Alenko's file. The holographic image began to spin, she tried to touch it but her hand went straight through, so she just looked at him. The one thing her mind had held onto, out of everything.

Why?

Jack was able to tell her little, she believed they had been involved prior to the destruction of the SR-1. They met on Horizon and they had argued, Kaidan had thought she was dead and wasn't happy that she was working with Cerberus. Jack didn't know what had happened since then, apart from the fact he had rejoined the Normandy. Had they continued their relationship? Shepard had no way of knowing. The only person that could tell her for certain was presumed dead. She let the image replay as she settled down in bed; his face was the last thing she saw as she drifted off to sleep.

The following few weeks in the hospital were uneventful. Her condition was improving steadily, but she passed most hours sleeping. The more weeks that went by the more unlikely it was becoming that she would remember her past, Shepard tried not to dwell too much on it. During her waking hours Jack was vigilant, by her bed side more often than not. She updated her on news and reading (mostly in a sarcastically gushing manner) the many letters of admiration and thanks Shepard received. Shepard's visitors were strictly limited, not that meant the general population didn't try. Miranda had visited since Shepard had regained consciousness. Jack made herself scarce whilst Miranda and her sister, Oriana updated Shepard on her inflated stardom in the outside world. Both Miranda and Jack ran through old times with her, missions they'd been on, times they'd had. She had helped them both in a personal capacity, that made her happy; she might not remember anything but at least she had been a good person. Shepard had enjoyed their stories, until she realised they weren't stories, they were factual events that she had been apart of, a life that she may never remember.

* * *

Kaidan stood in starboard observation, gazing out at the vast expanse of stars. He'd always liked it here, but lately he couldn't stand it. Not that he could really stand to be anywhere right now. Everywhere on the ship reminded him of Shepard. If he stood here long enough he swore the stars moved to map out the image of her face. He hadn't entered her cabin since they'd left it together that morning, which seemed so long ago now. He avoided eating because the kitchen had replaced his old console where she would always come to find him aboard the SR-1, where he had first started falling in love with her.

The door to observation opened with a swishing sound, Kaidan didn't even bother to see who it was. Most the crew would see him in here and leave; some even went to great lengths to avoid him.

"Hey." Vega's voice behind him startled Kaidan, he moved surprisingly silent for such a big guy.

"Oh, hey Vega, what's up?" Kaidan turned away from the window and attempted to sound casual.

"Me, Cortez and Joker are starting a poker game, you want in?"

"No thank you."

"Come on Alenko, you can't act like the crazy grieving lover forever. It'll be good for you. Besides, you won't necessarily be the most depressed there and everyone understands what you're going through. Cortez lost his husband and Joker is still cut up about EDI." Vega scanned Kaidan's face and realised his tactics weren't working. "We have the last of the Tequila? I'd offer you whiskey but some drunken idiot through it from the roof of the ship, don't tell anyone I told you about that though."

Kaidan laughed, for the first time since he'd lost her. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea; it might take his mind off things, if only for a while.

"Okay Vega, you've twisted my arm."

Hours later the four were quite drunk and Vega had cleared them all out of credits.

"Vega, I swear you cheat." Joker accused.

"I don't cheat; you have a terrible poker face and Alenko has lost his edge. Come on guys, I'll give you a chance to win all your stuff back against the shirts off your backs."

"I'm not betting you my shirt James" Kaidan asserted.

"Okay, okay, these two can bet their shirts. I have a better deal for you Kaidan. If you win I will give you all your stuff back, if I win, you have to go into Shepard's cabin." Vega challenged.

"What? No! What kind of deal is that?!" Kaidan panicked.

"Listen Kaidan, I know you haven't been in there since the explosion. You're slumming it with us in the crew deck every night when you don't have to. You're the commanding officer; you should be in there, you were practically living in there anyw -"

"-acting Commanding officer" Kaidan interrupted him.

"Whatever you wanna call it Alenko, its still not healthy. You need to face your demons."

"Oh yeah and when did you become the expert?"

"Since I had all your stuff and you won't bet me your shirt."

Kaidan thought about it. James was right, it was about time he went in there and faced it. It might make him feel closer to her somehow, being there amongst all of her things. He had been considering it for a while now and if he won then at least he had an excuse for not to going in there a little longer. Plus he didn't want to chicken out in front of the guys and let them all see how much he was really struggling with all this.

"All right." Kaidan decided.

"You'll do it?" Vega was surprised.

"I said all right, didn't I?"

"Okay, jeez, deal the cards, let's get this thing started!"

* * *

Shepard's dreams were plagued by Kaidan, always just out of reach. It was as though her subconscious had made him the physical representation of her memories. If she could only reach him, she would remember everything. She just wished the nightmares would stop, she supposed they would have if she'd have been dead. So maybe she should just be grateful for them.

After a particularly vivid dream in which Kaidan turned to dust as she reached out to brush her hand along his cheek, Shepard bolted awake. The tears were still damp on her cheeks and she quickly became aware that she was not alone.

"Shepard, nice of you to join us."

The krogan's large stature made the hospital room feel small, and he had brought company. To his right a female krogan stood with a small bundle in her arms. Shepard sat up and wiped the moisture from her face.

"I have been informed you won't remember us. My name is Urdnot Wrex, you can just call me Wrex, and this is Bakara, you also knew her as Eve. Ring any bells?"

"I've been told about you and shown your pictures, trying to jog my memory. It's nice to meet you both in person." Shepard smiled politely.

"I have someone for you to meet Shepard." Wrex turned to Bakara and carefully took the bundle from her. Rearranging the swaddling, he presented his son, a beautiful baby krogan to Shepard.

"May I?" Shepard held out her arms and Wrex passed his son, as gingerly as a krogan could, to her.

"Shepard, meet Mordin. I promise the next one is going to be called Shepard, but calling him Mordin was important to Bakara."

Shepard's head snapped up.

"Shepard? After me?" she asked, shocked by the sentiment coming from people she couldn't even remember.

"Yeah, and you better get used to it too. Every other kid in the galaxy is going to be named after you with you taking down the Reapers and all. The way I see it if any kid deserves to be named after you it is one of mine."

Shepard gazed down at the tiny life in her arms and tears pricked in her eyes. Her mind conjured up the image of beautiful brown eyes looking up at her from a human baby's face. Kaidan's eyes she realised as the tears formed in her eyes. The children they would never have, not if she could never remember him properly, not if she couldn't love him again, not if he didn't want her now she had forgotten everything and especially not if he was dead. How was it possible to be this upset over someone she didn't even fully remember? The gurgling of the baby krogan brought her thoughts back to the present.

"Mordin, the Salarian scientist?" She asked and Wrex nodded. "Sorry, I have been learning about my past, I sometimes get muddled up... Mordin is a perfect name. He is perfect." She said, and she meant it.

"Well he does have the best genes on offer." Wrex laughed, "And it's thanks to you he's here at all. If someone had told me I'd one day be in debt to a human I would have called them a crazy old pyjack. But now that I do, I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You don't owe me anything Wrex; I don't even remember doing anything." Shepard stroked the baby's cheek and the baby krogan grabbed her finger in a vice like grip.

"Regardless, I am indebted to you. I only wish it had been me who found you. Grunt is one lucky bastard. I'd been leading the search for 3 days following the explosion. Grunt takes over, and finds you in 2 hours. If I'd realised you were so close I would have continued myself. I have already sent the fleets I can spare to search for the Normandy; they started as soon as we found you. Once you are out of here you can join them and if the Alliance won't give you a ship, you can take one of mine. We'll find them."

Shepard considered his words; he spoke as though he believed her crew were still alive. She wanted to find them; they were people like Jack and Wrex who were her friends, that loved her. They had answers about who she was, who she had been. The thought of finding them again made her feel happy, hopeful. She needed something to fight for, something to get her out of this hospital bed. Most of all she thought of Kaidan. She wanted to find him, she needed to find him.

* * *

Kaidan stood at the door to the captain's quarters, Shepard's quarters. He was mad at himself for letting Vega coerce him into doing this. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to take the bet; he'd been losing all night. It had seemed like a good idea earlier but he'd avoided coming into Shepard's cabin since she'd been gone, he was scared of its emptiness. Scared of the realisation that she wasn't just busy in her room, going over Spectre reports. If he went in that room her absence would become real, he couldn't pretend anymore. But Vega was right; he needed to face his demons. He needed to deal with the fact he was here without her, without any way of knowing if she were dead or alive. He opened the door and stepped inside.

The door instantly closed behind him, although he knew it wasn't locked; it made him feel trapped. He scanned the room, not really sure what to do now he was inside. He walked along the fish tank, running his hand along the cool glass. He looked at the fish, one of Shepard's few indulgences. God knows, she didn't get many with all the responsibility that had been placed upon her. She'd loved collecting the fish. Kaidan pictured the look of joy on her face she would get whenever she added a new species to the tank. Kaidan would chide her, telling her they were a stupid pet because you couldn't even play with them. She would just ignore him, kiss him lightly on the lips and saunter off smiling, obviously pleased with herself. Sometimes he would catch her on her own, whenever she was mad, upset or something hadn't quite gone her way, just staring into the tank watching the colourful fish moving gracefully and she would relax, like a great weight had been taken off her shoulders. He would buy her a tank the size of a house and let her fill it with whatever weird fish she wanted to, he wouldn't even complain, if she would just come back to him. He pushed himself away from the glass, this wasn't going well, even the fish were depressing him.

Kaidan moved across to Shepard's desk, data pads were strewn across it, all the information she had been frantically working on the night before London. The sight made him angry, THIS, all of it, is what had taken her from him. But that wasn't what angered him the most, it wasn't what it had taken from him, it was what it had all taken from her. It had consumed her, she would never have been able to ignore those visions and they made her the key to stopping the Reapers, the most important cog in the wheel. The Council had ignored her, held her back, if they'd have listened they would have been better prepared. Someone else could have taken the helm. But of course it had to be her, the one who had always believed, always fought against the Reapers; she would have to be the one to engage the final blow. If they'd have listened it could have been different. Instead, it had taken everything from her; it had even taken her life. Worst of all it had all started with him, he had got too close to the beacon; he had triggered the it and given her those visions. All she had done was save him, like she saved the galaxy, like she saved everything; it was just part of who she was; the saviour. When it really came down to it, it was all his fault and he hated himself for it.

In one swift angered movement he swept all the clutter from her desk sending the data pads skidding across the room. He slammed a fist down on the desk top with an angry sob.

_Fuck, this shit. Fuck it all! _

He turned and kicked the chair sending it straight into the glass of the fish tank with a thud, startling the fish. He moved down the steps, on the coffee table were the bottle and glasses from their "quick drink". He picked them up, the faint press of her lipstick was still evident on her glass.

"This is my fault!" He shouted as he clutched her glass to his chest and hurtled the other one at the nearest wall. He let out an anguished scream as he flipped the coffee table upside down, the remaining items crashing to the floor.

As he angrily moved towards the bed he stopped, Shepard's N7 hoodie lay discarded on the floor, exactly where she had left it. He approached it steadily, bent down and carefully picked it up. Still crouched, he held it to his face, it still smelt like her. He looked down at the glass still in his hand, his knuckles still white with rage, then he looked around at the destruction he had caused and was suddenly ashamed of himself. Shepard wouldn't have wanted to see him like this and when had he allowed himself to stop believing she was alive. He went back to the coffee table and set it the right way up and placed her glass back on top. He couldn't face sleeping in the bed, the sheets were still tussled the way she had left them, and he didn't want erase her scent from the sheets. Instead, he pulled a blanket out of the cupboard, hunkered down on the sofa, holding her hoodie close to him, hoping his dreams would be filled with her.


	4. Conflicted

Chapter Four: Conflicted

As the weeks passed Shepard found herself becoming physically stronger. She was doing well in therapy; she had the usual highs and lows, the break downs when it all got too much and the adulation when she achieved something, no matter how small. She had learnt one thing about herself, she was determined. Jack said she had always been this way, never one to quit. Shepard believed her, it made sense and it felt right. She could now stand up with a support, although it was still a difficult and painful process. The doctors wanted her to work on standing unaided and using supports to take her first few steps. Jack had been amazing, providing constant support and an ever ready training partner. Her pep talks, although very typically Jack and probably not suitable for those of a sensitive nature, were testimony to her abilities as a teacher and a friend.

Shepard worried though; it was obvious that Jack missed her students. Shepard felt like she was holding her back, like Jack felt she had to be here out of a sense of duty. The last thing Shepard wanted was Jack to start resenting being here, looking after the invalid when she really wanted to be with her students. She had tried to talk to her about it, but Jack had dismissed it. Saying that she was in contact with her students, they were doing fine and that they could manage with out her. She was adamant that her place was here with Shepard. Shepard let the matter rest, it didn't make her feel any less guilty, but she was grateful. She liked having Jack around; she was not sure how she would go it alone.

There were other benefits to Shepard's therapy, rebuilding her strength meant a lot of time in the physio wing of the hospital. It felt good to get out of her room more frequently. Plus, physio was always full of people in Shepard's situation, trying to get back on their feet. Being around other injured patients made her feel less pathetic. Thanks to the war and the hospital's proximity to Alliance HQ, it was mostly occupied by war wounded soldiers. At first, the other soldiers had seemed intimidated by her presence; no one knew how to approach her. In their eyes she was the infamous Commander Shepard, a hero. But as the days passed and she struggled through the same hurdles they did, their attitude toward her changed. Some of the more confident among them would say hello as she passed, engage in friendly conversation and even offer tips for whatever piece of equipment she happened to be using. On one particular day, Shepard stood in between parallel bars, focusing her mind, preparing to take her first steps when a deep voice interrupted her thoughts.

"You know, you're making too big a deal of it. The more you think about it the harder it is." An unfamiliar voice spoke from behind her.

She swivelled round to see who had interrupted her concentration. A muscular man in a wheelchair gazed up at her. He had floppy auburn hair, which seemed too long for a military man, but his Alliance gym top suggested otherwise. He smiled and his emerald green eyes seemed to almost sparkle. Shepard opened her mouth to speak but words had forsaken her, her mind momentarily distracted by this stranger with a handsome face.

"Sorry, I should have introduced myself. The name is Logan, Alliance solider, like yourself. I was in a building in London when a Reaper's beam took it out. I spent 3 weeks doing exactly what you were doing then, over thinking it." He smiled again; he had an attractive smile the kind that pulled up in one corner.

"Erm, it's okay. Thanks for the advice. I'm-"

"- Shepard, yeah I know who you are, I think everyone in the galaxy knows you by sight." He laughed; it was a rich sound, velvety and smooth.

"Of course, sorry, that's taking some getting used to." Shepard closed her eyes and shook her head at her own stupidity. Of course everyone here already knew who she was.

"Well, from what I've seen your reputation serves you well. It took me months to accomplish what you have in a few weeks. I can just about make it to the end of that walkway without needing the bars. Give it a few more weeks and you'll have easily surpassed me."

As he spoke Jack returned from fetching some bottles of water, she walked across the room, eyeing the newcomer unfavourably. Logan sensed her distaste and chose to make a swift exit.

"I should probably get back to my own exercises. I'll see you around Shepard, and if you want any pointers or someone to work out with then feel free to ask." He wheeled his chair around, but turned back to call over his shoulder. "And Commander - the vids don't do you justice." He winked, turned once more and wheeled away.

Shepard turned scarlet at his comment and it prompted Jack to glare after him.

"What was that guy about?" She asked as she handed Shepard a bottle of water, eyes still fixated on the retreating figure of Logan.

"I- err... I don't know." Shepard studied the floor.

Jack pulled her glare from Logan and glanced at Shepard, detecting the pink on her cheeks.

"Honestly Shepard, I leave you alone for five minutes and the vultures descend!"

* * *

Kaidan awoke to the sound of the shower running.

_What the..._

He sat up on the sofa looked towards the bathroom door.

_No one should be able to get in here, who the hell? _

Kaidan stood up and crossed the room cautiously, eyes fixed on the bathroom door. The water turned off suddenly; he could hear footsteps padding around the bathroom.

"Hello?" he called out.

The bathroom door opened as Shepard stepped into the cabin; a white towel covered her middle whilst she dried her hair with another. Beads of water glistened upon her skin. Kaidan froze, his mouth fell open.

_Shepard... How?_

She smiled broadly at him.

"Hey handsome, you'd nodded off on the sofa, I didn't have the heart to wake you." Shepard crossed the room until she stood in front of him, her face inches away from his own.

"Kaidan, what's wrong?" She laughed. "You look like you've seen a ghost." She said as she placed her hand softly on his cheek.

"I-" Kaidan couldn't think straight. He didn't understand any of this. But she was here, in front of him, alive. He could feel the warmth of her hand; he closed his eyes and nuzzled into her palm. He didn't care how, she was here, that was all that mattered.

"Shepard..." He pulled her close, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and buried his head into the crux of her neck, breathing in her scent. "I thought I'd lost you." he murmured against her skin.

"Hey, come here." Shepard said as she guided his face back in front of hers so that he was looking straight into her beautiful eyes. "Kiss me."

Kaidan took a moment to study her face. Not sure if he had finally lost his mind.

_She is really here. I can feel her. _

Kaidan took her face in his hands and swiftly brought his mouth to hers. He kissed her deeply, pouring all his angst and fervour into it. Shepard's tongue found his own and she matched his passion, letting out a low sexy moan as she let her towel fell to the floor. She stood in front of him, completely naked. Kaidan could barely contain himself. He'd thought she was gone, dead, but she was here and she wanted him. He pushed all his negative thoughts to the back of his mind and lost himself in her kiss.

Shepard began to take control. She moved her hands to find the hem of his trousers and she skilfully pulled out his shirt. She broke free of his kiss to quickly pull his shirt over his head. Shepard stepped back and drank in the site of his naked torso, her lips parting in appreciation. Then her mouth found his again. She pushed against him, forcing him backwards, pressing her body against his so her breasts were crushed against his bare chest. Her hands clutched at his shoulder blades, then slowly she lowered them, dragging her nails down his back. Kaidan moaned in response and skimmed his own hands down her spine, eventually taking her perfect round buttocks in his hands and giving it a firm squeeze. They reached the sofa and Shepard pushed him down into a sitting position, lowering herself onto his knee so she was straddling him. She kissed the corner of his mouth and trailed kisses along his face, across his skin until she reached his neck. Then she began kissing, sucking and nibbling the skin there.

"Oh, Kaidan..." she murmured as she kissed her way up his neck and took his earlobe in her mouth, nibbling it seductively. Shepard brought her mouth next to his ear, reaching her hands between them to stroke the length of his manhood through the material of his trouser.

"Kaidan..." She sighed "I'm not dead." She whispered into his ear.

The pleasure at her touch had Kaidan so distracted he almost didn't register her words. But somehow the alert part of his brain broke through the haze; he grabbed her shoulder pushing her back so he could look at her face.

"What did you just say?" He was panting heavily and Shepard almost looked amused.

"Shepard! What did you just say?" he demanded.

Shepard giggled.

"I'm not dead Kaidan. I'm waiting for you." She said, looking deeply into his eyes as she leaned in for another kiss.

Kaidan bolted upright as his eyes snapped open, he inhaled deeply. He gazed around the cabin, trying to make sense of his thoughts. He was on the sofa in Shepard's cabin, alone, her N7 hoodie clutched tightly to his chest. Quickly, he began to piece things together and the realisation that he had been dreaming sunk in. He raised a hand to his cheek and then moved it to his lips. The warmth of her hand, her kiss, all felt so real, he could still taste her, even now. Kaidan rubbed his eyes in defeat and decided it was time for a cold shower. He really felt he was beginning to lose his mind.

* * *

Shepard threw her head back and laughed. It felt so good, she hadn't laughed like this since she'd lost her memory. Over the last few days she had accomplished her first few steps, she still had to hold on, but her quick progression was something to be proud of. At this current moment, she stood upon the walking apparatus, practising her steps. Logan was in his wheel chair watching and giving her advice to help her along. She looked back at him still smiling from his comment.

"Seriously Logan, where do you get this stuff from?"

"I always fancied myself as a bit of a comic Shepard." He grinned back using his full, beaming, perfect white smile and she laughed again.

Being around him made her happy; physically he was in the same position as she was. He understood what she was going through better than anyone else around her and he was helpful. She wouldn't have been progressing so quickly without him. Shepard didn't feel like she was burdening him either, he wanted to help her and they now trained together on a daily basis. She'd quickly trusted him enough to tell him about her amnesia. He'd been great about that too, understanding. He didn't question her about it, or try to make her remember things; he'd just taken it on board. It was nice to have someone who didn't remember the old Shepard, someone who didn't know more about her than she did. Most of all, she didn't feel like she was hurting him by not remembering. She could just be herself, who she was now in this space and time. Plus, he was a good looking man and his presence definitely brightened up the dreary hospital.

"And anyway." He continued. "I like making you laugh, it suits you."

Shepard blushed and looked down to her feet. He often made comments like this and she still wasn't sure how to react, it made some part of her feel guilty. She decided to try and change the subject.

"Erm... Thanks Logan - for helping me I mean… you've been great. I wouldn't be able to do this much so quickly without you." She gave him a soft smile.

"The pleasure is all mine Shepard… Believe me" He emphasised as he held her gaze. Shepard's lips parted involuntarily as their eyes remained locked for an increasingly awkward time period.

"Shepard!" a voice beckoned from across the room, instantly breaking the intimacy.

Shepard turned her head as Oriana ran toward her; the young girl jumped onto the apparatus and wrapped her arms around Shepard. In her wake Jack and Miranda followed. The pair had been getting on better as of late, and judging from the look on Miranda's face Jack had forewarned her about Logan. Jack's dislike for the man was evident and she was still very hostile towards him.

"Look at you! I can't believe you're up! Miranda and I just got here. It's so good to see you again." Oriana let Shepard out of her grip and jumped off the apparatus to take a place next to her sister.

"Hey, it's good to see you too, both of you." She smiled. "Erm... Miranda, Oriana, this is my friend Logan. Logan, Miranda and her sister Oriana, you already know Jack." Shepard made the introductions, still a bit flustered from the awkward moment with Logan, but relieved for the interruption.

"Ladies." Logan gave them a charming smile but Jack gave him her usual look of disdain.

"Logan, is it okay if I skip out early today, I haven't seen Oriana and Miranda in weeks… You could join us if you like?" Shepard hesitated not sure she really wanted him to accept.

"Not a problem Shepard. And thanks for the invite but I have some things I should probably take care of. I will leave you to catch up with your friends. See you tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yes, of course, usual time. Thanks again." She said with a mixture of relief and disappointment not to be spending more time with him.

"Anything for you Shepard. Till tomorrow then." He said as he swivelled round in his chair and wheeled away. There was a certain inflection in his voice and look on his face that registered with everyone watching. Oriana and Miranda eyed Shepard suspiciously as Jack continued to distastefully watch his retreat.

Once back in her room, Oriana was the first to ask about Logan.

"Who was that guy? What was all that tension about?" She asked inquisitively.

"Nothing, he's just a friend that's helping me with physio. Our injuries are pretty similar." Shepard played nervously with her hands, she knew where this conversation was going and she didn't want to talk about it, about him, Kaidan...

"Bull-" Jack began, obviously still angry.

"Jack please." Miranda interjected.

"Fine, I won't swear. But I still don't like the guy. Shepard, what about Kaidan?"

"What about him? You said he was a jerk!" Shepard snapped.

"No, I said he was acting like a Jerk, there's a difference- and where does he fit into all this while Mr. Butter-wouldn't-melt Military drools all over you?"

"It's not like that-"

"Oh, really? Because from where I'm standing it certainly looks a Hell of a lot like that!"

"What do you want me to do Jack? Be hung up on someone I don't even remember? I don't even know if we were even together. What do I really know? That we had a relationship before Horizon, that you saw us argue and that he returned to the Normandy at a later date. What if he came back just to stop the Reapers? What if there was no more us? …" She paused as she choked on her word; she was on the verge of tears. "What- What if he's dead?!" Shepard yelled as the hot angry tears fell down her cheeks.

"Shepard… there must be some reason your mind clung on to him." Jack said softly, feeling guilty about the way things had turned out.

"Stop this you two, lets not talk about-" Miranda tried to intervene and calm the situation but Shepard ignored her.

"You don't understand Jack! It's like he's tattooed on my brain! I can't take it anymore! I don't really know who he is but I can't get rid of him. No one can tell me anything! I am starting to resent the very sight of him! … and I - I'm scared – scared he's gone and that this is all I'll have left of him, these dreams that will haunt me forever." Shepard looked at her three friends; all taken aback with her frank admission. The glimpse into Shepard's head had allowed them to feel her pain and know her fears, view the internal struggle she had been keeping to herself. Oriana even had a solitary tear rolling down her cheek. No one spoke for what seemed like an eternity.

"You know what I think you need?" Jack stood up suddenly breaking the silence. "You need to get out of here. The same scenery everyday can't be doing you any good. It's been months, it's about time you put in a public appearance." She swivelled Shepard's wheelchair around.

Shepard eyed her suspiciously, the hostility between them moments ago quickly forgotten. "I'm not sure about this."

"I actually think that sounds like a good idea." Miranda added, standing up herself.

"Come on it'll be good for you!" Oriana smiled and clapped her hands.

Shepard squinted against the bright sunlight as Jack wheeled her out of the hospital entrance. It was a beautiful day, the sunlight streamed through the clouds; the air was crisp with a slight chill. But in front of the hospital an odd sight greeted her. The green expanse of lawns which Shepard assumed usually made the place picturesque were covered in bouquets of flowers. In amongst the flowers were candles, notes and cards. They stretched as far as the eye could see; the closer to the hospital they came the more dying and decayed they were. Further in the distance Shepard could see people, placing more flowers down.

"What is all this?" Shepard asked. Her companions didn't seem phased; this was obviously their usual sight upon entering and exiting the hospital.

"It's for you." Jack said nonchalantly

"For me?! What? All of it?" Shepard was shocked.

"You're a hero Shepard, when are you going to get used to that? The Galaxy loves you." Miranda replied.

Shepard tried to take it all in, it was overwhelming and tears welled in her eyes. She understood now more than ever why Admiral Hackett had wanted to keep her amnesia off the radar.

"I hadn't realised it would be... like this." Shepard shook her head, trying to focus her thoughts; she still got a little hazy sometimes when things got too intense. "Erm... where we going anyway?"

"The Alliance HQ where you were incarcerated is a 10 minute walk from here, through a park. So I thought the walk would be picturesque and shit, you know for you first day out? And the HQ would be like homework for us, cos it might help you remember something from your time there." Jack explained.

"That's good thinking Jack." Shepard smiled, she needed something to take her mind of the ridiculously emotional day she had been having.

"I'm not just a pretty face." Jack winked at her.

By the time they reached the Alliance HQ word had obviously spread that the infamous Commander Shepard had left the hospital because the press had already began to gather outside. Alliance Soldiers came out to assist the group make their way through the crowd of reporters. A young looking Soldier took the wheel chair from Jack; she didn't look too happy about it but obliged him all the same. In front of the building an enormous sculpture stood. A dark, curved marble slab spanned the length of the building and stood roughly 2 stories high. Atop it where beautifully detailed life sized carvings representing every council species, they stood side by side holding hands. The large marble part had been inscribed with so many names; Shepard could not even begin to fathom how many were there.

"Excuse me." Shepard turned to one of her soldier escorts. "What is that?" She pointed towards the sculpture.

"A memorial to all those that have fallen in the war against the Reapers Ma'am. Those are just the human loses; there is a replica of that sculpture on every council planet with the names of the fallen from the particular race. They are to remind us that we fought this war together, that you united us all Ma'am."

"Can I take a closer look please?" Shepard asked.

"Of course Ma'am" The Soldier guided her wheel chair to the centre of the huge memorial.

Shepard gazed at the names for what seemed like an eternity, reading as many of them as she could from this angle, trying to commit those names to memory; those that had given their lives so that others could live.

_How many people have lost people due to this war? _

The thought made her feel sick; her name should be up there, she wished she could trade places. It didn't seem like enough, nothing she could do could honour these people adequately, but she had to do something. Shepard placed her feet firmly on the ground and attempted to stand up. As she attempted to push herself up off the arms of the chair the young Solider jumped to her aid, she signalled him away. Slowly and painfully, Shepard stood up as straight as she could manage. Without her usual supports it was difficult, but thanks to the extra training she could manage it. She looked high up into the list of names, mustered as much strength and vitality as she could and gave her best salute. She had forgotten about the press, but as soon as she completed her gesture the cameras were flashing frantically. Of course they loved this, the perfect picture of Commander Shepard, survivor, saviour, honouring the fallen.

Shepard's vision began to blur, affecting her concentration. She blinked trying to clear her vision. The scene before her changed, the sculpture altered before her eyes. There were still names, but on a wall, it was small in comparison and the Alliance logo was displayed boldly in the middle. She scanned the names and slowly realised where she was.

_The Normandy. _

Shepard looked around her, there were doors, she moved to the left and went through the door at the end. Kaidan stood there, his arm pressed against a large glass window, his forehead resting on the wrist. At the sound of the door opening he turned and smiled. Shepard began to sway, Kaidan's image blurred before her eyes and she was once again in front of the engraved black marble. She fell backwards, but the young solider quickly caught her and lowered her gently back into the wheelchair. Shepard closed her eyes and tried to regain composure, her head ached.

"I think you should take it easy for now, Commander." The Soldier said as he wheeled her away from the crowd of press and into the safety of the Alliance building.

Back in the hospital, Shepard awkwardly manoeuvred from the wheel chair and back into her bed. The trip round Alliance HQ hadn't sparked anything new. Her head still ached. Brow furrowed, Shepard was still deep in thought over her recollection of the Normandy.

"Are you alright Shepard?" Miranda asked as she placed a hand on Shepard's arm and scanned her face with a look of concern.

"I-I... I remembered something. At least I think I did." Shepard shuffled uneasily in her bed.

"You did?! What was it?" Jack questioned excitedly, her initial concern replaced with intrigue.

"Standing in front of that memorial, I had some sort of - flash back. But I still remember it now, and my mind sort of... added to it? I can still see it now, like it's always been there, like a memory." Shepard closed her eyes and focused on the mental image. "Aboard the Normandy there was a wall, a memorial wall, with names on it." She raised her hand as if she were running it along a name. "Ashley Williams, Thane Krios... I can see the names still. But it's not just that. I remember it was in some sort of hallway, there is an elevator behind me and doors to different rooms all around me. I remember where they lead, the rooms and their names. But -" Shepard sighed, eyes still closed. "In Starboard observation Kaidan is there, looking out the window, he sees me, he looks as though he is about to say something, but then the memory ends." She opened her eyes and looked at Jack "He's still there Jack, he's always there."

"Shepard, you're not focusing on the most important point. You remember a whole deck of the Normandy. That's a fantastic achievement." Miranda tried to comfort her.

Shepard nodded. "I remembered something."

* * *

"You wanted to see me Traynor?" Kaidan said as he exited the elevator into the Combat Information Centre where the specialist was normally stationed.

"Yes Major, I have something I wished to bring you attention to." She handed him a datapad and he scanned the information as she spoke. "We are approaching the outskirts of the galaxy now. I have started receiving a signal from a nearby planetary system; it appears our incoming comms system isn't as damaged as previously believed. I am registering a mayday signal from an Alliance vessel, I have tried to hail them but our outbound comms won't respond. If we are going to help them are only option is to land and try to locate the crash site."

"Do we know the size of the crew?" Kaidan asked.

"There was a crew list encoded in the mayday. It is possible that the ship got lost fleeing the crucible and crash landed in this system, like the Normandy."

"Any information on this system?"

"Stored information suggests that none of the planets are inhabited, we shouldn't face any problems with a locate and evac operation. We are close enough to sustain the extra crew members until we reach the Sol System."

Kaidan nodded. "We have to help them, it's the right thing to do... it's what Shepard would do. Good catch Traynor-"

"Major, there's something else you should know." The specialist cut him off. "On the crew list, there's a Captain Alenko on board. I checked your records, they match up, it's your Father."

Kaidan froze as the words sunk in. The last he had heard his Father was MIA. He had to get to him, quickly. Kaidan handed the datapad back to Traynor.

"Tell Vega and Javik to suit up, we leave asap." Kaidan commanded as he strode back to the elevator.


	5. Discoveries

Chapter Five: Discoveries

Shepard shifted into her wheelchair as someone rapped lightly on her hospital room door.

"Come in" She called, she was expecting Jack, Miranda and Oriana at any point.

Instead, Logan entered, he wasn't in his chair for once. He awkwardly shuffled into the room, supported by two crutches.

"Hey! You're walking! That's fantastic Logan!" Shepard delighted.

"Yeah, the doctors decided it was about time." He smiled. "Saw you on the news too, standing up on your own. You did well."

"Urgh, I totally forgot the press were there. I daren't turn the news on." She grimaced.

"They are kind of playing the clip to death." He smiled sympathetically. "You went a bit funny for a minute towards the end though, are you alright?" a look of concern crossed his handsome face. Shepard rolled her eyes.

_Not him too. _

Why was everyone always worried about her the whole time?

"They put that bit in too?" She grimaced. "-Yeah, I'm fine. I just kind of had a flash back of some sort, made me a little fuzzy."

"You remembered something?" He said, surprised.

"Just some stuff about the Normandy, nothing major."

"Oh right... No secret boyfriend or husband, you'd forgotten about then." He joked.

_Okay, well maybe something Major. _

"Err - No..." Shepard didn't know what to say, how the Hell was she supposed to explain Kaidan to him without sounding crazy.

Logan smiled, looking somewhat relieved.

"So you up for some training today? I think we should work on getting you up here with me. Then I won't feel like such an idiot hobbling round the place." He said, changing the topic of conversation.

"Oh, so we can both look like idiots hobbling around the place together? Sounds like fun." She smiled; she did appreciate Logan's company, despite how confused she was about Kaidan. "But, yeah, training sounds good. My friends will be joining us for the day though, if that's okay with you?"

"The more the merrier." He smiled again. "Although, I don't think your friend Jack likes me very much."

"Jack's very... particular about her friends. Don't worry though, she'll get used to you eventually."

* * *

Kaidan jumped off the shuttle, his boots hitting the marshy ground beneath him. Javik and Vega quickly followed. The trio scoped out their surroundings. They had been dropped in what appeared to be a bog type area; there was no sign of his Father's ship yet. The planet was peaceful; the only sound the unfamiliar chirp of foreign animals and the whistling of a light breeze through the trees. The plant life was rich and leafy, not that dissimilar to plants Kaidan was familiar. Although, here their normal green had taken on a slight blood red hue. The 3 suns were high in the sky, bearing down on them, but the breeze took the edge off the heat making the climate surprisingly pleasant. Kaidan raised his hand to his ear.

"Got anything for me Liara?" He asked through his communicator.

"The crash site should be approximately 2 miles North West of your position; you will have to travel on foot. The air is breathable, but I wouldn't recommend taking off your helmets for now, just in case. So far I can only detect some life signs from various animals, no humans yet."

"Okay, we'll get moving." Kaidan gestured in the North West direction and the trio walked on.

It was a long time before anyone spoke. Eventually they had passed through the marsh land, finding themselves in a more rocky area, the hills growing higher the further they walked until they were the size of mountains. The ground became dustier and more desert like.

"So, your Dad, huh?" Vega broke the silence as they began navigating their way around the base of a large mountain.

"Yeah." Kaidan replied.

"Wanna talk about it?" Vega asked.

"Not much to say."

"But you're glad he's alive right? After thinking he could be dead for all this time? Your Mum will be happy."

"We don't know if he's alive yet, James. I don't want to get ahead of myself. Lets just find them first, and then I'll allow myself to feel anything."

"Did they know? - Your parents - About you and Shepard?"

"No. Can we change the subject please?" Kaidan was getting angry. He didn't want to believe his Dad was alive until he knew for sure, he couldn't take anymore disappointment or heartbreak. He especially didn't want to talk about Shepard.

Vega took the hint and stopped prying. Javik said nothing, displaying his usual passiveness to what he perceived as trivial human affairs. Which was part of the reason Kaidan had brought him along, there were no pitying looks where the Prothean was concerned.

When they finally navigated the mountain and turned they corner they were met with the sight of the crashed ship, wedged into a ridge in the rock, the metal twisted and crushed. A large Alliance logo was clearly visible on the ships side. There was no sign of the crew, Kaidan tried to keep his mind focused, determined to not think one way or the other about his Dad until he knew the truth.

"This is it. Let's look around." Kaidan commanded.

They worked their way into the ship; the metal creaking as the large wreckage moved disturbed by the breeze blew threw. The team began checking all the rooms for survivors but there was nothing to be found, the ship was empty. Kaidan walked up to what was once the pilots chair and flicked off the mayday switch, contemplating their next move.

"The ship is clear, Major." Javik spoke as he and Vega came up behind Kaidan, completing their search of the ship.

"But there are no bodies." Kaidan mused. "It's possible the crew moved on. We keep looking for now."

* * *

Shepard stood on the walkway once more, this time Logan stood at the other end. He had one hand firmly gripped onto the rail whilst he held out the other to Shepard.

"Okay, so this time I want you to let go. Walk to me, trust me. I will catch you if you fall." He assured.

"It's not me I am worried about, what if I hurt you? You are not in that much a better condition than I am. Are you sure we should be doing this?" Shepard questioned.

"Shepard, stop worrying about me and just do it." Logan insisted.

Shepard sighed heavily, Logan loved throwing her in at the deep end and his methods had certainly been working thus far. She let go of the bars, finding her balance. Slowly, she placed one foot in front of the other. She was wobbly but she was doing it. Gradually, step by step she moved closer to Logan, the size of his handsome smile increasing as she closed the distance. She began to smile herself, she was actually doing it! Walking! But with a few steps to go she stumbled forward. Logan darted forward like a snake, his free hand wrapping itself around her waist, pulling her against his body; raising her so once again she stood upright. She was crushed against his chest, he gazed down at her with his emerald eyes, his face inches away from her own.

"Careful." he whispered, she could feel his breath on her lips. He studied her face, looking for her signal.

"Shepard! You did it!" Oriana cheered gleefully. "You walked! All by yourself!"

Logan sighed; Shepard guessed he'd forgotten about the audience. He loosened his grip on Shepard, until she was standing independently again. She turned to face her friends and smiled.

"I did, apart from the blip at the end." She laughed nervously, still reeling from another awkward moment with Logan, this time in front of everyone.

"I knew you would, hence why I booked one of the private rooms. We should celebrate, you've been working so hard and I have tequila!" Jack pulled a bottle out of her bag and gave it a shake. "Would you like to join us Logan?"

Logan blinked, surprised at Jack's invite. "Erm - Yes, of course I would. Thank you." He climbed off the apparatus, grabbing his crutches. Then he turned back and held a hand out to Shepard. "Here, let me help you down."

She smiled taking his hand, Jack was obviously getting used to him being around and Shepard was glad. It was easier if everyone got along. They made an odd group of friends, thrown together under unusual circumstances, but she was thankful for every single one of them.

The room was much bigger than her hospital room; it had a table and chairs, with a TV screen along one wall. The news was already on when they entered; after what had happened at Alliance HQ Shepard had been avoiding it. She wanted to get her head on straight without the added complication of media hype. Jack instantly put her bag down on the table and pulled out some shot glasses, as the 5th one emerged from her bag she looked nervously at Miranda. Miranda furrowed her brow and looked to Oriana.

"Just one, she is 19, I suppose." Miranda said and Oriana hugged her.

Jack put the last shot glass on the table and started to pour the shots. She passed everyone a glass and raised her own high into the air.

"To Shepard and Logan and the progress you have both made. Now, I am going to drink enough to need a wheelchair myself!" Jack joked.

On cue, they all drank their shots. Oriana erupted in a fit of coughing.

"That stuff is awful! Eurgggh! Why would you want to drink it?!" She exclaimed as she wiped her tongue on the back of her hand. Everyone else burst out laughing.

"Hey - Shepard, that's a picture of you..." Jack interrupted, taking the TV remote and turning up the sound. Everyone turned to watch.

_"-Commander Shepard, who has recently made her first public appearance since the end of the War." _

The picture of Shepard changed to a video. A street, rubble, soldier, armoured vehicles and two figures talking. The image cleared, the pair becoming identifiable. The angle wasn't great but it was side on, enough to make out both faces.

"That's me - and, and Kaidan!"

They were talking, pain etched in their expressions, Shepard guessed it could be interpreted as intimate, but she wasn't sure. On the video Shepard stepped closer to Kaidan, decreasing the space between them as she spoke. Kaidan mirrored her movement with his reply.

_Okay, definitely intimate..._

But it didn't really prove anything. They had been through a lot together; it didn't necessarily mean they had continued their relationship. It could be just old friends saying goodbye. There was no sound on the video, so there was only body language with which to make deductions. Shepard was transfixed by the screen; Kaidan had stepped back and continued speaking.

"_This footage was captured on the day of the final stand, in London, Earth and has been anonymously submitted. The man speaking to Commander Shepard has been identified as Major Kaidan Alenko, the second Human Spectre." _

On the video Shepard moved to walk away, as she does Kaidan captures her arm pulling her back to him. His other hand guides her face to his, their mouths meet in a passionate kiss.

_Holy Shit! _

_"This scene has sparked much controversy over the professional conduct of the two individuals, whose personal relationship is strictly forbidden by Alliance regulations. It has also given ammunition to those demanding that all ships that have still not returned have their crew officially announced as deceased, allowing families to hold proper funerals for them. As this would include the Normandy, the ship on which Major Alenko was aboard at the time of the Crucible beam, supporters argue that the announcement is being withheld and the bequest of Commander Shepard."_

Shepard starred at the screen, her mouth hung open in shock. No one in the room spoke. Shepard's head was spinning, a thousand thoughts swam round her head, it was so much to take in. They wanted to acknowledge the Normandy crew as dead? Kaidan couldn't be dead. She knew that the thought had plagued her but she wasn't ready to accept it. She was still holding on to the possibility he would return. She thought about what she had seen, the kiss. Well, at least she had here answer. He'd come back to the Normandy and they had been together, even after what Jack had seen on Horizon. That was why her mind had held on to him, she had loved him.

Minutes had passed and still no one spoke. Shepard risked a peek at Logan. He also stared at the screen as the image of her and Kaidan's kiss repeated. The look on his face a mix of shock, disgust and jealously. Shepard started to think that she should have found a way to tell him about Kaidan, despite how crazy it might have sounded at the time.

"Well." Miranda chose to be the one to break the tension in the room. "Let's hope he properly called things off with that doctor on the Citadel otherwise she has just found out why he hasn't been returning her calls -"

"Wait! What doctor on the Citadel?!" Shepard said angrily as she was hit with a pang of jealousy.

"Oh - erm sorry. I forgot you don't remember things. He sent you a message after Horizon. It said his friends had talked him into going for drinks and it was nothing serious. I assume you turning out to be alive after he had spent 2 years mourning you kind of ruined it for him. I used to read all your messages whilst we worked for Cerberus, you knew about it at the time because Oriana blabbed in a message to you." She rolled her eyes at her sister.

Shepard stared blankly at Miranda; this was all too much at once. She was starting to get dizzy again. She put a hand to her forehead trying to focus; a throbbing in her head began.

_A Doctor on the Citadel... _

She didn't even want to think about that.

"Shepard, are you alright?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I... erm, I -" Shepard rubbed her temples as the throbbing became painful. "I should get out of here. I need to rest; it's been an eventful day." She was still acutely aware that Logan still hadn't spoken and it was becoming increasingly awkward to be in the same room as him.

"Do you want me to take you?" Jack moved towards Shepard's wheel chair.

"No- No! I am fine. You guys should enjoy yourselves; I am just going to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." Shepard didn't even bother to make eye contact as she hastily wheeled herself back to her hospital room.

* * *

Kaidan and his team had exited the ship and continued on what had seemed the most logical path away from the wreckage, following a trail of debris the crash landing had obviously created. They split up to search the larger areas, but remained in sight of one another. They kept their eyes peeled for anything which might indicate where the crew had got to.

"Here!" Vega called.

Kaidan and Javik raced to his position. Amongst what would at first glance appear to be a mass of debris there was an opening, large enough for a person to enter, covered by a metal sheet. On closer observation the debris seemed somewhat organised, too well positioned in between the rocky crevice to have occurred naturally. Kaidan nodded to Vega and hepulled the metal sheet away peering inside, gun poised.

"Clear!" Vega confirmed.

Kaidan gestured, signalling the team forward. Kaidan went first; the passageway was narrow so they were forced to make their way through in single file. After a few minutes the tunnel opened out into a sort of valley. The sky was visible but the clearing was surrounded by mountains. Kaidan dove to the right and signalled the other two to the left, taking cover behind some boulders.

He peered out of the cover, in the clearing crude structures had been erected using parts of scrap metal and natural materials. In the centre a fire burned, people were gathered around it, whilst others carried out tasks elsewhere on the encampment. From their tattered uniforms Kaidan knew they were Alliance Military. They had to be the crew from the ship, so far no one had noticed their approach.

"Appears safe. Approach with caution, they have been stuck here along time, they could be confused." He whispered to Javik and Vega.

They trio rose from their cover. They walked in formation, guns forward, towards the encampment.

"I am Major Kaidan Alenko of the SS Normandy-" Kaidan began

The people stopped all suddenly, startled by the intruders. Some turned around, others took a cautionary step backwards, hushed whispered passed between individuals. A tall man, with a full head of grey hair pushed his way forward through the crowd gathered at the fire.

Kaidan lowered his gun. "Dad!"

"You need to get out of here, son." He said firmly.

"What are you talking about? We're here to take you back to the Normandy. We'll get you home." Kaidan explained, puzzled by his Father's behaviour.

"There's no time for that. You and your friends need to get back to your ship and forget about this place."

"Dad, you're not making any sense. We're not going to just leave you here. Come on, don't be ridiculous!" Kaidan argued.

"You and your friends need to turn around and go. It's too late for us they know we're here. They know our numbers. But you - you can still get out of here before they realise you're here. Take your ship far away from here. We can't risk them getting their hands on the Normandy."

"Who are you talking about? Who is 'they'?"

"Erm... Major, we've got company." Vega interrupted.

Kaidan turned towards him. Vega stood, still covering Kaidan's back, with his gun pointed at the mountain tops that surrounded the camp. Javik mirrored his stance. Kaidan followed their line of sight. There, on top of the mountain, a figure stood and it was of no species Kaidan had ever seen or even heard of. From this distance he could tell it stood at approximately 7ft tall, taller than any man. Its figure was slender, almost feline but distinctly feminine. The creature had stark white skin, the colour of fresh snow, emphasising its blood red eyes that stared threateningly down at them. Its appearance was primitive, long white hair fell past its waist and was the only thing covering its bare breasts. The only item of clothing worn was a basic loin cloth made from some form of animal skin; in its right hand it carried a long, sharp spear.

Panic erupted amongst the humans, people in the camp began to scatter, cries and shouts filled the air.

"Kaidan, leave now!" His father shouted over the panic and then disappeared into the crowd.

Kaidan ignored him.

"Take cover." He called to the others gesturing them towards some nearby salvaged supply crates. The trio sprinted towards the location. Once they were side by side, backs pressed against cover Kaidan turned to face the others.

"I don't know what's going on or what that thing is, but the people are scared of it. Keep up your guard, it may look as though it's equip with basic weapons but Sovereign looked like a space ship. I'm not leaving these people behind. Take that thing out!" Kaidan commanded.

Vega prepared to take the first shot. He turned and peered over the supply crate. He found his target instantly and fired. The bullet skimmed the arm of the creature, tearing at its flesh. The creature let out a high pitched snarl.

"Shit!" Kaidan cursed.

Alerted by the noise, more of the white creatures appeared. Kaidan scanned the mountains; there were creatures in every direction, the clearing surrounded.

The soldiers sprung into action, just as they were trained to, their reflexes taking over. Kaidan took the direction of the camps exit whilst Javik and Vega concentrated on the flanks. Bullets flew threw the air in all directions. Kaidan took out two in close succession, sending bullets straight through their hearts. Vega shot again at the first creature, this time getting a perfect head shot, killing it instantly. Javik took out one, but as he targeted the next creature it shifted, its movements so fast that to the naked eye the creature moved in a blur. The other creatures soon followed, each using the same rapid movement. They descended the mountains in seconds and were soon upon the camp. One shifted next to Javik, raising its clawed hand and striking him across the face. Javik flew through the air, landing several feet away, knocked out cold, blood gushing from the fresh claw marks on his face. Kaidan looked around, trying to decide on his next move, the creatures that weren't focused on him and Vega were gathering up the other humans, capturing them in large vine nets. His father had produced a pistol and was trying to protect his fellow crew, a creature quickly descended on him, it back handed him across the face and he fell to the floor. Kaidan looked back to Vega, he had managed to kill some of the beasts. Suddenly, Vega sprinted forward, producing his omni-blade and drove it into the back of a creature just releasing its net. The creature let out a blood curdling scream, grasping the attention of the other creatures. They all shifted to Vega's location, encircling him. He shot at them, killing another, but the remaining quickly outnumbered him, bringing him to the ground and trapping him in a net. Kaidan, ran to his aid, taking out a few more of Vega's captives, but one quickly turned and shifted into his path. Before Kaidan could dodge out of the way the creature seized him by the neck, raising him high off the ground. He had awful flash backs to when EDI had nearly killed him. The creature tightened its grip, starring menacingly at him with its blood red eyes, Kaidan struggled against it.

_This is it._ He thought as the oxygen left him. His own words repeating in his mind; _I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again._

_I'm sorry Shepard, I tried. _

Then gradually everything went black.

* * *

Shepard strode along the crumbling streets of London, she was going to face the Reapers, to end this once and for all. She couldn't remember where she had been but she knew her destination. She had to find Kaidan, she had to see him before the assault began. It might be the last time they would ever be together.

_No_.

She wouldn't allow herself to think like that. They would get through this they always did; they had always survived and found their way back to each other. This was just another step on their journey. They would stop the Reapers and they could plan a life together in the universe they had saved. They had never really spoken about it but she had always imagined that Kaidan was the kind of man that wanted children and the thought of having his children didn't horrify her as much as it might have done. In fact she could see them in her mind, with his hair and big brown eyes. She knew that would be her demise, trying to say no to Kaidan was hard enough, but kids giving her the same puppy dog eyes? They would be spoilt rotten and would get away with everything. Between them and Kaidan, that would be the death of her, not the Reapers. She had nothing to fear, she just wished she didn't feel as though she did.

Shepard spotted Kaidan standing outside a nearby building. He had his finger over his ear, talking to someone through his communicator. He was partially turned away from her, looking down to the floor, pain and worry marred his perfect face. Shepard guessed it wasn't from the conversation he was having but for the situation they had found themselves in. He was scared too.

"Hey, Kaidan." Shepard said trying to the sadness out of her voice, she wasn't doing a very good job. Kaidan turned to her, lowering his hand.

"Hey. There you are." He smiled softly.

"You ready?" She asked, not really sure what you should say at a time like this. She had been so focused on seeing him one last time that she hadn't worked out what she was even supposed to say to him.

"Absolutely. For anything. Bring it on." He replied, doing a better job of keeping his cool than she was.

"And Biotics Division? You students?" She asked, trying to make conversation. She knew that he was passionate about his students; he was probably more worried about them than his self.

He laughed. "More than ready. Eager. That's youth for you. Guess we're old soldiers, hey Shepard?" The way he spoke showed that his composure was slipping.

"Yeah, I guess we are."

"We know the score. We know this is goodbye." He said, looking at her, his voice heavy, his eyes conveying his emotions and the things he couldn't say.

Shepard didn't like where this conversation was headed and she wasn't going to accept it. She didn't want him thinking like that, yes they were both scared but there was still hope.

_Hope and a fighting chance. _

She thought back to the image of those beautiful children her mind had created, their children. It strengthened her resolve, this wasn't the end for them, it couldn't be.

"When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You'd better show up." She took a step closer to him, her voice waivered but she tried bury her fear deep down.

"Don't get me wrong! I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." He closed the gap between them and briefly closed his eyes. "But listen, there's… things I want to say." He said as he stepped back again.

"Looking back… I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right? Messed up kid that I was, never would have dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."

"It's been quite a ride." She said, not sure what else to say. He was an amazing man and he'd become one on his own. The real question was whether she would have been able to do all this if it wasn't for him. When it got really tough; when she was working for Cerberus, when no one would believe her, when she had been incarcerated, when she really felt like giving up, she thought about him and it wasn't just a universe she had to save, it was him, Kaidan. He made it all real for her, something personal worth saving.

"It sure has. But how are you doing? Scared?" He asked.

"Damn straight, I'm scared. But that fear's gonna keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart." She let her fear creep in, if she could show it to anyone it was Kaidan. But that only made her more determined, if she was going down she was taking the Reapers with her.

"Yeah. Exactly." He agreed and she realised her problem, he was a soldier too, through and through. He agreed because do the same, he would happily go down too if it meant he took the Reapers with him. The thought made bile rise in her throat, this was too hard. She couldn't lose him, she had to get out of here and focus on the battle.

"So… take care, Major." She moved to make her exit but Kaidan took hold of her and pulled her back, kissing her. He poured his goodbye into the kiss, his fear of one of the not coming back. She reciprocated, using the kiss to tell him the words she could not say.

"Stay safe." His voice was wrought with emotion and the words almost sounded a plea. He stepped back and looked away. "Well, I should find the rest of my squad."

_You too, Kaidan. I can cope with dying but I can't cope with losing you. _

"Yeah." She said, not speaking her mind.

"You know, I've never been to London." He mused.

_Get a good look Kaidan._ She thought as she walked away. _Because after this we are never coming back._ She'd had enough of London to last her a lifetime, once she was gone she never wanted to think of this place again. She never wanted to relive these memories.

Shepard took a deep breath as her eyes flew open. She sat up and looked around her, it was dark and she was in her hospital room. She looked at the clock, 03:14 am, she had been dreaming.

_No, wait_. She thought. _No, not dreaming._

She thought of the video of her and Kaidan that had been hogging the news, she hadn't been dreaming, she had been remembering. During her dream she had felt the love she had for him in that moment, the pain of words she couldn't express, and the fear of losing him. Although she couldn't remember what had come before or after, the feelings still resided within her. They pulled at her heart, a warmth in her chest mixed with a pain and longing she couldn't satisfy. The gravity of it made her understand why her mind had clung to him so tightly. It was a crushing blow when she realised that he could have been right, that could have been their last goodbye. And she had been right too, it was over and she was waiting but it was looking ever more likely that he was not going to show up.


	6. Visitation

Chapter Six: Visitations

"Kaidan's dead Shepard, they're all dead."

Admiral Hackett had returned to Vancouver, for the second time since she'd woken up and it wasn't exactly a social visit. He'd come to tell her that it was official; the Alliance had given up on the Normandy, the crew presumed dead. He'd asked to meet her at the Alliance HQ, taken her down to the shooting range, but he'd waited until they were in private to break the news. Which was probably for the best, although she felt like venting some anger she could not be held responsible for her actions were anyone to hand her a gun now. She should have guessed something was going on; he'd spent most of the morning buttering her up. Now she just starred insolently out of the window, sat behind a desk like a school child whilst the Admiral stood tall, she couldn't even look him in the eye. She was mad as hell, how dare they give up; they hadn't found anything to prove the fate of the Normandy, one way or the other. She knew the krogan's were still looking, Wrex kept her updated, but they'd had no luck as of yet. Shepard was still holding on to the hope of eventually being able to join the search herself. Hackett continued speaking, she was only half listening.

"The Normandy is lost. You need to accept that Shepard. People need to grieve, move on with their lives. The Alliance can't be seen to be resting on its laurels for anyone, not even you. I wish there was another way." He said sympathetically.

Shepard quickly turned her head to face him.

"I don't know what you want me to say Hackett." She snapped. "There's no way I can be happy about the Alliance calling time on the Normandy." She paused. "And this is not just about Kaidan; it's about all of them. They deserve better than this. But you know that, you wouldn't have come here to tell me in person otherwise." Shepard returned her gaze to the window.

"Listen Shepard, the funeral has been arranged, I need you to be there."

"It is not my job to put on a good show for the cameras!" She slammed her fist down onto the desk. "I am not-"

"-What the Krogans do and what you do once you're fit enough are your own concerns." He interrupted, momentarily losing his temper before returning to his calm, diplomatic manner. "Look, if they are found and this was funeral a waste of time then the jokes on the Alliance, but if they never come back or they turn out to be dead I know you will hate yourself for not being there."

Shepard seethed with anger; she was pissed off with all of this. She didn't want to take this out on Hackett, this went above him and he'd come to tell her as a friend, not because he had to. But she couldn't stem the tide of her rage. Most of all she was angry because he was right.

"I'll be there." She said her voice nothing more than an agitated whisper.

"I'm glad. Now we need to talk about the arrangements for when you leave the hospital, there is always a home for you at the Alliance. Do you want to remain in Vancouver?"

Shepard starred at him stunned; he wanted to do this now? She was past caring what would happen to her. She had just been told to accept that the man she loved, the only thing that had stayed with her, was gone and now Hackett wanted to talk about living arrangements? She stood up as forcefully as she could manage given her condition. She grabbed her crutches and made for the door.

"Shepard, wait..." Hackett called after her, she stopped just as she opened the door.

"What?" She kept her eyes forward, determined not to turn and face him, focused on getting the Hell out of there.

"I have these." She heard the faint chink of metal. "They're your dog tags from the Citadel. I thought you might want them back. They're a bit mangled and pretty much unidentifiable, but they're yours if you want them."

She looked over her shoulder at the twisted metal swinging on the chain in Hackett's hand and then looked down at the shiny new replacements hanging proudly on her neck.

"Keep them." She said coolly. "The woman they belonged to died with the Normandy." She walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Kaidan teetered on the edge of consciousness, he became vaguely aware of a light breeze on his face. The clanking of metal roused him from his sleeping state. He opened his eyes, stone walls surrounded him, bars lined the wall directly in front of him. He tried to shift his weight but his whole body screamed out in agony. His legs burnt, protesting to being knelt on the hard rock floor. His arms ached, suspended above his head. With his eyes he followed the path of his arm until he reached his wrists and saw the crude metal cuffs that chained him to the ceiling. He pulled against them, testing their strength and quickly decided there was no way he was breaking himself out. He was being held prisoner then, he pondered this, at least he wasn't dead, that was always a positive. There was no sign of the others.

"VEGA? JAVIK?" he called out in the hope that they were still alive and also being held close by.

But his shouting did not elicit the attention of whom he intended. Alerted by the noise one of the creatures appeared at the gate, she eyed him suspiciously. In a matter of seconds she had unlocked the gate, using her unnatural speed to appear instantly inches in front of Kaidan's face. She snarled at him, displaying her many thin pointed teeth. Kaidan didn't flinch; he wouldn't give this thing the satisfaction. It was the first time Kaidan had been close enough to study one of these creatures' faces properly. He noticed now that their ears were long and pointed, her cheek bones harsh and her face elongated, with a pointed chin. Her features, although more accentuated that that of her human, if it weren't for the blood red eyes and terrifying teeth, could still be considered beautiful, bearing a close resemblance to creatures common to folklore, a pixie or an imp.

The creature grabbed Kaidan's face firmly in her hand, violently twisting it from one side to the other, inspecting him. Seemingly satisfied by her observations she released him and strode back out the cell, not even bothering to lock it behind her. She spoke to someone out of Kaidan's view, he couldn't understand what she was saying as she clicked and snarled her words in a foreign tongue. She gestured towards him and disappeared into the prison, at her instruction two other creatures appeared and entered his cell. They undid his cuffs. Kaidan's body was weak and he instantly fell to the floor, the creatures seized him roughly, dragging him to his feet and out of the cell.

They brought him, blinking, into the day light. The prison was on the hills at the edge of a vast and ancient city, the stone walls of its many buildings crumbling away. In the centre rose a great tower, vastly taller than any other building, it cast a looming shadow over most of the city. His captors exchanged a glance and then shifted, rapidly manoeuvring through the twisted streets and alleyways. Only seconds had passed but they had already reached the large tower he had spied from the prison. Here they stopped, releasing Kaidan. He fell to his hands and knees, vomiting, a side effect of his swift transportation. As soon as he recovered hands were upon his shoulders, forcing him to remain on his knees. A large group of creatures had gathered upon the large stone steps that lead up to the tower entrance. He glanced to his right and caught sight of Vega and Javik, also being held down. Judging by the look of Vega he hadn't enjoyed his transportation either. _At least they're alive_, Kaidan thought.

Slowly one of the creatures descended the steps, her hips sleekly swaying from side to side. She was dressed the same as the other creatures but with the addition of an intricate necklace and head piece made from thousands of tiny red beads, a crudely carved ruby idol dangling between her breasts. The other creatures bowed their heads as she passed, indicating she was some sort of leader. As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she suddenly shifted forward and grabbed Kaidan by the face, snarling at him. Her blood red eyes starred deeply into his own, he held her eye, refusing to flinch away. When her actions failed to illicit a response she let go. Rising, she directed her attention at the crowd to her right, it seemed as though she was dictating orders. Eventually, the crowd parted pushing another creature through to the front, she stumbled forward awkwardly, turning back to the others and letting out a snarl. This one looked different, her hair dreadlocked, worn up and pushed back with a strip of material. She wore clothes, a pair of ripped trousers and another strip of material covering her breasts. She approached Kaidan, ceasing his arm roughly and began by activating his omni tool. Producing her own, she let his arm go enabling her to press the buttons. Kaidan kept his arm in place, guessing it was better to cooperate given his current situation. Closing her omni-tool, she paused briefly, observing Kaidan with intent curiosity, as if she was trying to answer an internal question. Gradually, she rose and turned back to the leader, giving her a nod.

"You understand?" The leader demanded in a thick accent.

His translator was working; the other creature had managed to update the software somehow to detect their language. When his answer to the leaders question did not come quick enough his captors struck him hard, across his back, he stumbled but remained upright.

"You understand?" The leader asked again more forcefully, growing increasingly impatient.

"Yes." He said looking back to the leader.

"Yes." The dreadlocked creature repeated after him, he assumed in her own language so the others could understand, but his translator had picked it up anyway.

"You are in charge here?" She gestured to Javik and Vega.

"Yes." He said and the dreadlocked creature repeated again.

"Your women allow you?"

Kaidan looked at her puzzled, not sure of her meaning. When he didn't reply the leader quickly became angry, she shifted forward until her face was inches away from Kaidan's.

"They send men to my planet! They think they can defeat me with men? They insult us!" She snarled at him. "They will pay for their insolence!"

"Excellent, it appears that these chicks are batshit crazy." Vega muttered, his comment met with a knee in the back causing him to fall forward. His assailant followed him down, placing a hand on the back of his neck, grinding his face into the dirt.

"You will speak when I allow it!" The leader shouted at Vega, he anger rising to the point her red eyes looked as though they were boiling. "Why have you come here?" She demanded, returning her attention to Kaidan.

Kaidan looked towards the dreadlocked creature, she was not watching the altercation with the same blood-lust the others were, her countenance was more of the passive observer. She met his gaze and nodded, indicating that he should answer the question, quickly.

"We came to rescue our people, to take them home." As he spoke the dreadlocked female repeated his words to the others, holding his gaze. "We were unaware the planet was inhabited, this can all be resolved peacefully if you just let us return to our ship-"

"- YOU WILL NOT!" The leader screeched frantically. "The Old Gods have brought you to us as they brought those before you. You belong to us now. You will appease the Gods, return them to our favour. They have not abandoned us, they have not abandoned us." She began to repeat the sentence over and over again, turning the red idol on her necklace over in her hands. Whatever these creatures were they were half crazed. Suddenly she turned, using her speed to appear before Kaidan again, grabbing him by his throat and lifting him off the ground.

"The False Gods came, they travelled as you do. They were tainted, as you are. They promised we would do the same; that we would travel stars, rule the universe in their name. They promised us many things. THEY LIED!" The leader screeched at him, still dangling him high above the floor. Kaidan struggled for breath, kicking his legs wildly, but he was too easily over powered. "THEY WERE FALSE GODS!" She screeched again, tightening her grip. "Their promises wrong, unnatural things. They made us turn away from The Old Gods. But you, your people, they killed The False Gods." She released him and he crashed to the floor, clutching at his throat and gasping for air. Being chocked to the point of blacking out was becoming an all too common experience for Kaidan. The leader retreated up the steps away from him. "The Old Gods sent you to us, to prove ourselves worthy again. You killed The False Gods and we kill you, a sacrifice." She turned, again playing with the ruby idol upon her neck, her blood red eyes wide and crazed. "Yes, Yes. They have not abandoned us. They have not abandoned us. Take them in the tower!" She ordered.

Kaidan was seized and dragged up the large stone steps to the carved entrance to the great tower.

* * *

Shepard awkwardly paced her room, careful not to catch her cane on anything like she had done several times previously. It was days like today which were the hardest. Miranda and Oriana had to leave and Jack had gone to visit her students for the weekend. When she was alone, it gave her more time to think about Kaidan, too much time. He already plagued her nights and without a distraction he crept into her days as well. She could always go train with Logan, but things had been... awkward since he'd found out about Kaidan. She hadn't spoken to him about it and Logan tried to act like nothing had changed but he wasn't his usual relaxed self and there was an air of disappointment in his manner. She thought she should ring Hackett and straighten things out from the other day, but she was still kind of mad. Maybe she would leave it till after the funeral.

As she paced someone lightly knocked on her door.

"Come in." Shepard called.

A nurse peered round the door.

"Commander, a Ms. Alenko is asking to see you."

_What? Alenko?_

Shepard stared at the nurse, dumfounded. Her mouth opened and closed as she struggled to think of a reply. She wasn't expecting anybody and certainly no one of that name. Who was she? Did Kaidan have any family? She couldn't recall. A wife? No, that was impossible; somebody would have known if he'd got married, it would have been in the news report. What had Miranda said about a woman on the Citadel?... Regardless, Shepard certainly wasn't the type to take up with a married man, was she?

"Shall I show her in?" The nurse inquired when Shepard didn't reply, puzzled by her lost expression.

"Erm... Yes, please. Thank you." Shepard blurted out before she could change her mind. Whoever it was she was about to find out.

The nurse nodded and disappeared back into the corridor. Moments later an older woman entered, with long grey hair, neatly tied up in a bun. She was a homely looking woman, but one look at her face and Shepard knew instantly who she was. Her eyes a familiar deep brown, the corners wrinkled with age. Features of her face so closely matched to the face that had haunted Shepard for so long now, the similarity almost too painful for her to bear. There was no mistaking that this woman was Kaidan's Mother.

"I wasn't sure you'd let me in." Ms Alenko spoke; she looked down and played nervously with her hands. "From the look on your face I see you've already guessed who I am." Her voice was motherly, affectionate.

"You're Kaidan's Mother."

"Yes. Please, call me Eleanor." She smiled. "You're probably wondering why I'm here." She glanced at the sofa in Shepard's room. "Do you mind if we sit?"

"Erm... No, not at all." Shepard was still in a state of shock at this woman's unexpected arrival. Eleanor smiled again politely, taking a seat. What could she possibly want with her? She had no information about Kaidan. The funeral, she must be here about officiating the Normandy crew's deaths, including Kaidan's. But Shepard didn't have anything to do with that, she hadn't even been asked. She shuffled over to the sofa, easing herself off the crutch and down onto the cushioned seat. Eleanor watched her intently, taking note of Shepard's physical difficulties.

"They told me, about your amnesia, when they realised who I was and because I insisted on seeing you." She paused. "How much do you remember about my son?" Eleanor asked, her eyes scanning Shepard's face.

"Erm... I don't remember much. Kaidan is the only thing I do remember, but even that is... patchy. The odd conversation."

Eleanor nodded.

"He never told me about you, you know. Last time..." Her voice waivered. "Last time, I spoke to him, he told me there was someone, that he was happy and that I could meet her after the war was over." She looked down, once again playing nervously with her hands. After a brief pause, she looked back up at Shepard. "I never guessed it was you." She sighed. "It all makes sense now, when the original Normandy went down, he came home for a while. He was so depressed, so cold and distant, not like himself at all. For weeks he didn't do anything, he wouldn't eat, or sleep, he wouldn't even talk about it. For a long time, I thought I'd lost him. I figured it was just because he had lost so many friends aboard that ship." She shrugged. "And when the rumours that you were alive began, I said to him - I said that he must be happy his Commander could be alive after all. He got so angry, completely went off the rails. I have never really seen him get mad with me before - he shouted saying it wasn't you, it couldn't be. You were dead and you weren't coming back... In hindsight maybe it was obvious there was more to it than he was telling me... I'm just glad he had someone, in the end. And the famous Commander Shepard, nonetheless." She laughed but it was a weak attempt, the smile never really reaching her eyes.

Shepard remained silent throughout; she wasn't sure what to say, or where Kaidan's Mother was going with this.

"I always knew he was special, I'm glad you could see it too." She leant over and clasped Shepard's hand, Shepard looked down at their hands, finding the friendly contact strange, Eleanor continued.

"Anyway, back to the reason why I'm here. My son, my husband, they're both dead. I have no one left and I thought, well." She paused, tears forming in her eyes. "And if what's written on the extranet is to be believed you don't have any family either, and if that's the case, then, I thought you might want to come stay with me, here in Vancouver."

Shepard looked up suddenly and starred at the woman in front of her.

_What? _

Had she misheard or was this woman crazy? They hardly knew each other, they'd only just met! And Kaidan... Kaidan was gone, that's what they kept telling her, what she had to convince herself. The very sight of his mother was painful, like a hot knife to the heart, a constant reminder. To see that everyday would be torture. But then again, maybe she was masochistic, maybe that's what she wanted, maybe the pain would be better, she never wanted to forget him, she'd forgotten too much already.

"Listen." Eleanor continued, sensing Shepard's hesitation. "They'll expect you to leave here soon; you need somewhere to go once you're discharged. The press are already hounding you. You've settled here in Vancouver, the Alliance base is nearby. It would be the perfect place for you to recover; I even used to be a nurse. And it's peaceful, from our house there are beautiful views over-"

"English Bay." Shepard said automatically, her brow furrowed as she puzzled over where that had come from.

Eleanor smiled sympathetically. "Kaidan must have mentioned it." She paused. "You must have questions, about Kaidan, about who he was; maybe I could help you with that. It might help you remember him, to remember yourself. Just don't dismiss the idea completely, take some time to think about it, okay?"

Shepard thought for a moment, it was certainly crazy, but there was no harm in considering it. What if this was her last connection with Kaidan? Her last chance at answers?

"Okay." Shepard said before she could change her mind.

"You'll think about it?" Eleanor said, her voice a mix of joy and surprise.

Shepard nodded, wondering what on Earth Kaidan would think of all this.

* * *

The creatures forced Kaidan and the others through the narrow and twisted stairway of the tower, continuously climbing higher and higher. They passed numerous archways, leading to further passages, too dark for Kaidan to make out what lay beyond. But the noises were terrifying, the clang of heavy metal chains and tortured wailing, mixed with the smell of decay and destitution.

After what felt like a decade they reached their destination, on a floor no more distinctive then the hundreds they had already passed, the creatures forced them through the archway. Once inside, the passage became even narrower than the staircase, but the stone walls were replaced with bars, another prison.

But it was what was inside the cells that was truly shocking. In the first, huddled in the corner was another creature, the same species as their captors but this creatures hair was pushed back in a short ponytail, his bare muscular chest completely exposed. Evidently, a male of the species. He cowered in the corner, the fear and panic evident in his large, desperate red eyes. Kaidan wasn't sure if it was the sight of them or the females presence that caused this reaction, he guessed it was the latter.

"Curious..." Javik puzzled. "It appears that this race is not an asexual race like the Asari as I originally believed."

One of the captors struck Javik across the back of the head with her spear, causing him to stagger. Talking was obviously not permitted. The violent outburst caused the male to whimper, covering his head with his hands. One of the females hissed at him through the bars and pushed her prisoners forward, obviously enjoying herself.

On their journey through the winding corridor they passed numerous cells, all containing male prisoners. Some cells contained more than one, some contained what looked like children, and all were petrified by the sight of the females.

_What is going on here... _

Eventually, they reached a dank, empty cell, the trio were pushed inside and each was chained. Kaidan was forced into the chains suspended from the ceiling. To his left Javik was affixed to the stone wall, Vega's captor positioning him a few meters further down the wall. As the creature closed the last metal cuff around Vega's wrist she ran her tongue along his cheek and smiled wickedly. Before he could react all three creatures shifted away, locking the sturdy metal gate behind them. The three suddenly found themselves alone.

"Well, what can I say; I have that effect on all women, of every species. Ha." Vega flexed, testing the strength of his restraints, to no avail.

"Brilliant. Do you think you can charm you way out of this one Vega?" Kaidan questioned, the tension evident in his voice.

"Even my charm has its limits, but anything is possible." Vega pulled on his chains again, using the whole of his weight. Nothing happened. "Maybe we should have been Liara or Tali, I feel that they would have been better received, judging from the prison full of dudes."

"Well I don't think the reception could be worse." Kaidan surveyed their surroundings, finding nothing of use. "We need a plan. Javik, any information on these creatures? Anything you remember from your cycle?"

"I do not remember these creatures, no. But there was much even the Protheans did not know. They said there will be a sacrifice. We will have to strike then. There is nothing that can be achieved from here." Javik replied.

Time passed, it was impossible to say how much, but the light that was previously streaming in through the small slit remotely resembling a window had gone, leaving the room illuminated by pale moon light. The trio had laid out a basic plan of attack, it was far fetched and improbable but it was all they had. Vega was still relentlessly pushing against his restraints, the belief in his physical strength unshakeable, even though the chains still refused to give. Kaidan starred at the floor, trying to remember every curve of Shepard's face, the way her skin felt, his memories all he had left to keep him going, they could all die here. A noise at the cell door caught his attention, he looked up. The dreadlocked creature had appeared, letting her self stealthily in through the gate. The moon light reflected off her stark white skin, making her look almost spectral. She shifted until she was in front of Kaidan; she looked at him, holding a long clawed finger up to her lips.

"I mean no harm." She said quick and quiet.

She moved to Vega and then to Javik, altering their omi-tools like she had done with Kaidan's earlier, after she had finished she returned to face Kaidan, sitting herself down directly in front of him, crossing her long, powerful legs beneath her.

"Now you all understand, know my name, K'tulu." She held her hand to her chest and nodded at Kaidan. "You?" Although it was clear she was attempting to be civil her countenance was still threatening, she spoke in a way which was unintentionally fierce and demanding.

"I'm Kaidan." He replied. "This is James and Javik." He nodded towards the others.

She starred at them individually, taking her time study each once.

"It is believed the Protheans are extinct." She said, her head cocked to one side as she observed Javik.

"I am the last, what is your kind primitive?"

K'tulu instantly shifted to Javik, she grabbed his head pulling it back, he other hand around his throat.

"I am no primitive." She hissed.

"Stop! He didn't mean to insult you! K'tulu, that was your name wasn't it?" Kaidan tried to reason with her.

She turned her head to look at him, her hands remaining on Javik's throat.

She let go and sighed.

"You would think us primitive, from what you have seen. This is why I come." She turned to face Kaidan again, this time she remained stood, her height dominating the room. "This is planet of Anam G'uk, my kind. You have seen my people, what has become them. I am not like they. The reason I am here. I will help you escape but for price... you take me with you. On your ship that travels stars." She starred at Kaidan, awaiting an answer.

"Why?" He asked, unsure how to respond to the request. She could be their only chance at escape, they needed her, their chances without her were slim at best. But she was dangerous, an unknown species and he'd seen her kind in action. She was aggressive and she could have just easily killed Javik in seconds. But she hadn't, that was what was important. Could he take her back, what would he do? Just walk her into the Citadel and hope no one noticed the 8ft tall white creature with blood red eyes, unlikely. There would be Council repercussions to face, but he was a Spectre now. Hell, if Shepard had walked a once-extinct Prothean into the Citadel like it had been no big deal, why couldn't he?

"Why? You see them and you ask me why?" She raised her voice; he'd clearly said something to agitate her. "But, yes, you do not know everything. You need answers. I tell." She calmed. "You see the male in this tower? All male of Anam G'uk kept here, prisoners for all life. Anam G'uk once live peacefully, man and woman, together. But old food source ran out, died out. We turned on one another, males lost. Females keep them here. It is believed to be ritual, made to Gods that gave us power over man. During ritual, males are mated to ensure survival of race but - after mating... the females - they eat them. Over time, the meat, it has turned them mad. I am barely a child in Anam G'uk life; I made to work here, in tower. Males are not fed G'uk flesh, not worthy. I notice they not show symptoms of madness, like females. When I came of age, I refuse meat, I claim I am not worthy, that I love The Mother too much, wish her to have my share. They believe me pious, they are wrong. I do not wish to become them." As she spoke she paced the room, occasionally shifting from one place to another. "You are not first ship to crash here, happen many times before. Crew not normally survive. I find wreckage, I learn about technology. I find the parts, fix console, connect to extranet. I took omni-tool from dead crew. I see outside world, Human, Asari, Turian, all of them. I am smart, that is how I know to operate your translators. I wrote software myself."

"So this is what they plan to do with us? Sacrifice us to their crazy carnivore god and then eat us?" Vega questioned.

K'tulu nodded in reply.

"Excellent! I know you call the shots around here Alenko, but I say we take her with us."

"What did the woman on the steps mean about old and false Gods?" Kaidan asked, ignoring Vega's less than helpful comment.

"She The Mother. The False Gods came here moons ago. They promised they would allow us to travel the stars, they would destroy the other races, the heretics and we would be supreme beings. They promised to give me technology to develop for my people, they see potential in me, otherwise I think G'uk not allow me to live as I do. I began to dress, change my hair, normally forbidden. - G'uk abandoned Old Gods to worship False Gods, until you destroyed them and they were no more. You no call them gods, by different name. The Reapers."

"The Reapers came here?!" Kaidan exclaimed.

"It would appear the Reapers choose the G'uk as the organics to lead the next cycle, left them to survive like the Asari in this." Javik explained.

"It matters not now, they are gone. What matters now, whether you will take me with you?" Her normally forceful tone almost giving way to a plea.

Kaidan weighed up his options and exchanged a quick glance with the other two.

_Here goes nothing... _

"Yes. You have my word. But, the other humans here, they must be rescued too, I want them to come with us."

K'tulu made a noise somewhere between glee and a purr.

"I can do that. First, I need you to give details for your ship; I must contact them if we are to escape. I will do everything. When the time is right I will return to give you plan." She quickly undid Kaidan's chains; he produced his omni-tool and passed on the required information. "For now, you must stay here. I am sorry; nothing else will not lead to suspicion." She chained him back up. "You understand?"

"Yes." Kaidan confirmed.

She gave him the most unintentionally menacing smile he had ever witnessed and shifted to the other side of the gate, locking it behind her.

"K'tulu! Wait!" Kaidan called after her, she cocked her head to one side. "The explosion, that killed the Reapers, what have you read on the extranet? Who set it off? Were there any survivors? Does the name Shepard mean anything to you?"

She continued to look at him, puzzled by the nature of his questions.

"I know not, when Reapers destroyed I hid technology far from city. I wish not The Mother to take it away... I am sorry I not able to help, this seems to... distress you." She gave him one last confused look and shifted off into the darkness of the tower.


	7. Goodbyes

Chapter Seven: Goodbyes

K'tulu never came back. There was no word from the Normandy, no escape plan. Had her intentions been discovered? Had they killed her? Had she only ever pretended to help them for information on the Normandy?

If something had happened to her the guards never gave anything away. When Kaidan and the others had grown weak they uncuffed them, leaving them free to move around but still confined to their cell. Occasionally they were brought water, Kaidan drank enough to survive, no more. He didn't trust anything about this place.

On what Kaidan estimated as the 5th day, when the sun crept in through the cracks of the old prison walls, the Anam G'uk came for them. The creatures took them from their cell, guiding them further into the tower, with the usual force Kaidan had come to expect. As they moved higher the stairway became wider, the crude stone wall replaced with beautiful intricate carvings. The windows were larger, allowing the daylight to stream through. Eventually, the staircase stopped, it appeared they had reached the top of the tower. Before them stood a grand doorway, as they approached the door appeared to open by itself, revealing a grand hall and they were pushed inside.

In the centre of the hall a deep pool was set into the floor. The same intricate carvings decorated the walls and red material hung from the ceiling. The room smelt beautiful, a deep fragrance of musky ointment hung in the air. From the edges of the hall more Anam G'uk appeared, they walked forwarded, taking one step at a time with synchronised precision. They were not dressed like the other Anam G'uk they had encountered. Instead of the basic loin clothes, these creatures wore robes of draped red fabric, which flowed majestically with their movements. Upon entering the room, the ones that had led them here stepped back and fell to their knees before the red ones. In unison, the red ones gestured for them to rise, and the captors obeyed but their eyes never left the floor as they swiftly exited, closing the great door behind them with a loud thud. Kaidan focused his attention on the red ones as they surrounded the group and he counted at least ten but it was hard to tell, they moved so fast. The red ones encircled them, increasing their speed with each step until they were a passing red and white blur.

"What's the hell is going on?" Vega yelled as the circle began to close in on them.

But no one had any time to reply, the red ones seized them, hands moving swiftly over their bodies, undoing buckles and clasps, removing their armour.

"Hey!" Vega lunged out as his chest plate was removed, but it was no use, as soon as he resisted he was restrained, his armour removed whether he allowed it or not.

Upon completing their task the red ones moved away, once again forming the circle. The three stood their, completely naked. The circle joined hands and began chanting. Their speech hard and fast, in a language Kaidan couldn't understand. K'tulu had modified Kaidan's translator to understand the Anam G'uk, so whatever they were saying now was not in the same language. They finished quickly, releasing hands, six stepped forward. Two took Kaidan by the arms as the same number then took Vega and Javik individually. They led them to the pool, climbing the steps down into it. The pool was deep, the water pleasantly warm and it submerged Kaidan to his waist. The four that remained outside the pool stood at the water's edge, once again holding hands and continuing their chant. Suddenly, Kaidan's head was forced down underneath the surface of the water and he just managed to hold his breath in time.

The hot alien suns bore down on Kaidan as he stood upon the flattened top of a stone pyramid. The stairs that were cut into the stone on each side of the pyramid were guarded, providing no escape. There was an altar in front of him, still stained with the dried blood of previous sacrifices. He was held tightly by two Anam G'uk. The Mother kneeled at the altar, her arms outstretched and face turned skyward, she was a golden dagger on her hip, that Kaidan was positive had not been there a few days ago. Behind him Javik and Vega were held by their own captors. At the base of the pyramid the Anam G'uk had gathered, a massive crowd stretched far into the distance, its edges barely visible to the naked eye.

Back in the tower, after being cleansed in the pool, Kaidan and the others had been anointed with various sweet and spicy smelling ointments. Vega had made some joke about being marinated, which probably would have been funny if it weren't for the circumstances. They were then dressed in the same red gauzy material as the Anam G'uk in the tower, their hands bound behind their backs with golden cord. All the time the chanting and synchronised movements of the red ones continued. The Anam Gu'uk that had brought them there then returned to take them away. The red ones remained in the tower, as though they were captives themselves. Some sort of priestess and a preparation ritual, perhaps? Kaidan pushed the thought to the back of his mind. Dwelling on questions about the customs of these creatures wasn't going to get them anywhere; he needed an escape and fast.

In one last vain attempt Kaidan scanned the crowd for K'tulu, but she wasn't there. He needed come up with a new plan, he couldn't count on her and he was not about to die here. He turned his attention back to The Mother as she rose from her knees.

She came for him first; she took hold of him, positioning herself behind him and pushing him forward to the altar. He had to time his actions right. He waited till they reached the stone altar, just The Mother tried to force him onto it, he lunged his elbow into her, catching her by surprise and propelling her backwards. He flung his bound arms over the top of the head, using both hands as a fist he struck the Mother across the face.

But it wasn't enough; The Mother was still faster and stronger than he was. She regained her balance, shifting quickly to seize him by the throat. She hissed aggressively, raising him into the air before slamming him down hard onto the stone altar. The force knocked the air straight out of him. The crowd snarled and cheered celebrating The Mother's triumph and enjoying the spectacle. Unable to resist further, Kaidan was powerless as the Mother bound his feet and wrists to the corners of the table.

Once she was finished she walked to the front of the platform, raising her hands into the air.

"My Children! Today we make offering to the Gods. We have wronged them; we led astray by false Gods. But the Gods not forsake us, they forever merciful. They sent humans to test us, and we no disappoint them again." The Mother reached for the dagger on her hip, unsheathing it and raising it skyward. The crowed cheered in response. The Mother shifted behind the altar again, the dagger still poised high in the air above Kaidan's chest. She removed one hand from the dagger, holding it high in the air to silence the crowd, savouring the suspense of the kill.

"Oh great Vash Nu'tak, God of all gods, we offer this flesh to you and the divine. May you shine down on us again."

She thrust the knife downwards, aiming straight for Kaidan's heart as a ferocious scream ripped through the silence. The Mother froze, her head snapped up, searching the crowd for the source of the noise, the dagger poised just inches away from Kaidan's chest. Kaidan turned his head away from the dagger as commotion ripped through the crowd. From distant edges the Anan G'uk were being swarmed, being pushed to the ground from the left, right and centre, taken completely by surprise. Kaidan strained his eyes to see, it was the males. Someone had released the males.

The males pushed the assault further and further towards the pyramid, relentlessly making their way through the crowd. Kaidan's attention was pulled back to The Mother as she let out a sharp cry. Kaidan turned to her as K'tulu appeared, violently swiping the Mother across the face with her claws before grabbing her and throwing forcefully her through the air. The dagger fell from her hand, clanging loudly as it hit hard stone. The Mother flew over Kaidan and down into the crowd way below. K'tulu moved quickly to undo Kaidan's restraints, offering him a hand up.

"I had just about given up on you." Kaidan took her hand and raised himself into a sitting position.

K'tulu smiled at him, with a look that mocked his doubt in her.

"Come, we have little time. We must reach the Normandy." Was all she said before she shifted, appearing again a few feet away locked in combat with The Mother.

Kaidan hadn't even seen The Mother return up the steps, he was both impressed and fearful, the Anam G'uk were definitely powerful and he was glad they had K'tulu on their side. Kaidan swung his legs round and jumped off the altar. Kaidan scanned the area; the fallen dagger lay a few feet away. Some of the males had reached the pyramid and were attempting to make their way up the steps. Vega and Javik's captors had abandoned them in order to aid the guards on the stairs and stop the males from reaching The Mother. The steps to the back of the pyramid had also been left unguarded because the males were coming from the front, not the back. It was their only escape route, but he had to find a way to help K'Tulu first. She'd held up her end of the bargain, now it was his turn.

"Kaidan!" A familiar voice called from the back steps.

Kaidan turned to see his father and the rest of the humans coming up the steps, accompanied by Liara and Garrus. She'd done it. K'Tulu had done everything she was supposed to, she'd got the rest of the humans here and she'd managed to contact the Normandy. Now he just had to get them all the hell out of here. His father threw him an assault rifle and Kaidan caught it deftly.

"Give them hell, kid." His father called before running to the edge at the front of the pyramid and firing down into the crowd.

Kaidan took crouched behind the altar; he couldn't get a clear shot on The Mother to help out K'tulu, the movements of their fight too fast paced for him to keep up with.

Garrus threw weapons to Javik and Vega whilst Liara ran over, crouching down at his side and giving him a friendly shoulder bump.

"Good to see you Major, you had us worried."

"Timed your arrival perfectly, few minutes later and I'm afraid I wouldn't have made the rescue party." He smiled melancholy.

"Well I'm glad you have. We need to get out of here; the Normandy is waiting for us."

"Not without K'tulu."

Liara nodded before sprinting towards the right hand steps firing at the guards trying to return to the altar.

The noise of the battle rung all around. The surprise advantage had been lost, and the sheer volume of the females meant the males were beginning to struggle. Two guards had seen the threat to The Mother and had managed to pull K'tulu off. K'Tulu fought hard to keep them both off of her. But The Mother was now free and heading straight for Kaidan to reclaim her lost prize. Kaidan let off a few rounds but The Mother just kept coming. She didn't even bother shifting, she was enjoying the hunt.

"Cover me!" Kaidan shouted and ran at her, diving for the dagger before quickly returning to his feet.

The Mother picked up the pace, shifting forward, but this time Kaidan had been expecting it. As soon as he saw her shift he thrust the golden dagger forward, driving it into her stomach just as she appeared before him. She screamed, her blood red eyes starring down into his, full of anger. Time stood still for a few moments and when it continued it was as if the events occurred in slow motion.

With the last of her strength The Mother raised her head, opening her mouth wide to expose her fanged teeth before she plunged it down ferociously into Kaidan's neck.

He let out a painful cry. His flesh burnt, the agony screaming through him. His vision went bright white and he felt the blood gush from him. Hot and sticky, it dripped down his body, soaking into the robes he wore. Finally, the life drained out of The Mother and her jaw loosened it's vice like grip. Kaidan fell backward, too weak to stand, the Mother's lifeless body coming down on top of him.

"Alenko!" K'tulu called out, throwing the remaining guard off of her; the other's dismembered head lay by her feet. She shifted to his side, pulling The Mother's body off of him. Her size meaning she could easily lift him, she scooped him up and cradled him like a baby.

"We leave now!" She snarled to the others over the noise of the battle.

"Fall back! To the Normandy!" Kaidan heard Garrus order.

K'tulu shifted to Liara.

"I get him to the Normandy faster alone; you can make it without me?"

"Do it! Go!" Liara shouted over the sound of gunfire.

Kaidan faded in and out of consciousness, his head swimming. He was aware that they moved quickly through the city and into the open planes of this unfamiliar world. Last time he had shifted with the Anan G'uk he'd felt sick, now all he felt was the throbbing in his neck, the blood oozing out of him. He heard nothing but the sound of K'Tulu's feet hammering on the ground and her breath coming hard and fast.

_At least if I die here I saved them, I saved Dad. The crew were strong, they could make it back to Earth without me. It's not far now. Mom won't have to be alone now, she'll have Dad. _

Suddenly K'tulu stopped; he sensed the wind rushing around them, the loud hum of an engine.

_The Normandy._

The sound of the ship reassured him and he faded out of consciousness.

The feel of cold hard steel against his back roused him, followed by the touch of hands, someone pressed firmly against his neck, stemming the blood flow.

"Arghhh!" He let out in pain, but the sound was weak.

"We've come to far for you to die on me now Alenko, do you hear me Major? Don't you fucking die!" Was the last thing Kaidan remembered Dr. Chakwas saying before he blacked out.

* * *

Shepard starred out the window, her arm wrapped around her legs, her chin resting on her knees. At her feet lay the black Alliance uniform that had been given to her for the funeral. She didn't feel like putting it on. She didn't feel like doing anything. She just felt numb. She'd never been the best at expressing her emotions and now she had to do it, for the grieving families... for the cameras. The great media puppet she had become. How was she supposed to get through today? How could she ever accept that they were gone? That Kaidan was dead? She couldn't, but she guessed that she had to. Even if it was just for today.

There was a knock at the door and Jack entered without waiting for a reply. She looked at Shepard; her legs still tucked up against her body, and then glanced at the uniform that lay at the foot of the bed.

"You not ready to go?" Jack asked, arching one eyebrow.

Shepard shook her head. "I don't want to go."

Jack sighed heavily, perching on the edge of the bed next to Shepard.

"Look Shepard, I'm not the best at this mushy bullshit or at knowing the right things to say at the best time. If you wanted that you should have waited till Miranda got here. Or better still Ori, she's the least fucked up out the lot of us."

"Ori now is it?" Shepard's sullen expression softened slightly, a small smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

"Yeah, Ori and Miri. I adopted the nicknames where I realised how much it fucked Miranda off." Jack smiled, rather pleased with herself.

Shepard rolled her eyes but couldn't help laughing. Maybe Jack wasn't great with expressing emotions, but neither was Shepard. She didn't need someone to tell her everything would be okay because moments like this, when Jack could still make her smile despite how crushed she felt on the inside reminded her of just that. Whatever happened, she wasn't alone. And though she could never fill the whole left by what she had lost, she needed to focus on what she had.

"Thanks Jack." She smiled

"I didn't do anything."

"You didn't have to. Just be yourself."

"I- Err, well, okay." She paused and shook her head. "Anyway, I brought you something." She said, placing a hand inside her bag.

When she retrieved it she was holding a picture frame, she passed it to Shepard awkwardly. Shepard looked down at the object in her hands. Her stomach sank and her heart ached, her eyes glistening with tears. Kaidan, it was a picture of Kaidan.

"Where did yo-"

"- When they first brought you here they asked me to collect any stuff you might want from you room at the Alliance HQ. I found that, you had it in your cabin back when we worked for Cerberus and it was important to you, so I kept it. Until now there's not really been a time that seemed right to give it to you.

"Thank you." She whispered not looking up from the deep brown eyes that starred up at her from the photo.

"I'll leave you to get dressed." Jack rose and quietly exited the room.

Shepard placed the picture of Kaidan on the cabinet next to her bed and gazed at it for a moment. Bringing two fingers up to her lips, she kissed them before pressing them onto his lips. Looking at the clothes laid out on the bed and then back to his face, she decided she could do this.

Shepard maintained a blank face throughout the ceremony, her mouth a hard line. She could feel the press cameras trained carefully on her face, it made her feel uncomfortable. The aisles were lined with representatives from all species, pictures of all those lost on the Normandy were laid out at the front on the church. The Primarch Victus had shook Shepard's hand when she had arrived, they had met before but he didn't trigger any memories. He praised Garrus highly; Shepard mainly nodded in agreement, keeping her comments generic. It felt wrong, Garrus deserved more, they all deserved more, but what did you say about people you couldn't remember, especially when no one knew you'd forgotten. Kaidan's mother had taken a seat next to Shepard, clutching her hand tightly and weeping whilst people gave eulogies. Shepard found it hard to feel any emotion at all whilst these people she didn't know said kind words about people she didn't remember.

As the last person finished, it was her turn to speak, as the Commander she was expected to give the final eulogy. She still hadn't worked out what she was going to say. As she rose steadily on to one crutch, Kaidan's mother gave her hand a final squeeze and a reassuring smile before letting her go. Shepard took to the lectern starring straight ahead, trying to appear strong and professional, frantically searching for the right words to say. She focused on what she did know, what she'd pieced together from the information she had been given, the things her and her crew had been through together. Shepard had no family and the things these people had done, well, it went above and beyond the call of duty. She thought of Jack, Miranda, Wrex and Grunt, their friendship, the bond they must have before shared for them to still stick by her, even now. She thought of Kaidan, their final goodbye on Earth, her thoughts and feelings with him then. In that moment she knew, she made a connection with her past, with the Shepard that did have a family. The only one she ever really needed, her crew, her friends. She took in a deep breath and began.

"For those of you that don't know, I'm Commander Shepard. I had the... privilege of serving with these men and women. I -Ermmm...

I thought for a long time about what I was going to say today, and, well nothing seemed right. In reality, there is nothing I can say; words will never be enough for these people. And it's hard. Hard because they were my crew and they had so much belief in me. On numerous occasions they followed me to Hell, but this time... I'm the only one that made it back and that's not right. It will never be right and I hate myself for being the one who is here today instead." She paused. "I would never have been able to do it without them. These brave men and women. They were my family, the only real one I ever had. They were my friends, the ones who believed in me when no one else did. I became a better person because of them. I even fell in love." She sighed, lowering her head and dropping her crutch in favour of firmly clutching the sides of the lectern. "And that's something that would have probably never happened to me. When the whole universe was hanging on by a thread, I was in love with Major Kaidan Alenko." Her voice broke as she spoke his name, thinking back to their goodbye. "He made this war real for me. A light in the darkness. For so long I'd been fighting for something so much bigger than myself and that doesn't make you a good solider. How do you make the right choice when the chips you're gambling with aren't your own? And that's what these people showed me, not just Kaidan, all of them." She stumbled over his name again as the tears gathered in her eyes. "They understood, they taught me to love. Because of them I've loved and I've lost, as we all have. I guess what I really wanted to say to you all is that it's okay to be afraid of life without them because life - it will never be the same again." The tears began to flow freely down her cheeks now. The salty water splashing onto the lectern beneath. An usher stepped forward; she was losing it, in front of everyone. The Alliance had probably warned them to watch out for her, wouldn't want the media to catch on to the tragic wreck that was the once great Commander Shepard.

"I'm fine" She whispered delicately and the usher backed off. She took a moment to compose herself, wiping her tears on the back of her hand and returning to a professional posture.

"They will never be forgotten." She continued. "We're all alive because of what they did, they're the real heroes. I pray that they find peace and that one day we will find them, that we can love them again."

As she finished a solitary tear ran down her cheek, the final one she would allow here, in front of everyone. The usher handed her crutch back and she stepped down awkwardly and returned to her place by Kaidan's mother, the older woman's eyes red from crying as she took Shepard in a mournful embrace.

The funeral continued with the attendees paying their respects. Since there were no bodies, long stemmed white roses were given to people to lie at the feet of the photographs. Family videos of the dead were projected onto the large wall of the church as the procession continued. Shepard watched the screen, the agony tearing through her every time Kaidan appeared.

As the Normandy's Commander, Shepard went last, the logical choice for the final farewell. Shepard hated it, she wanted to blend into the crowd, to not have to mask her emotions for the sake of the cameras.

Due to her immobility an usher followed Shepard with her flowers, passing her the roses individually as she reached each picture. They'd placed Kaidan's picture last.

_Of course they bloody have._ Thought Shepard, her anger increasing the longer it went on.

Every passing second made her feel more like she was at an elaborate media performance than a funeral. It had all been planned down to every last little detail. People were less likely to start questioning why there had been no consequences of breaking the fraternization rules and whether Kaidan had ultimately distracted her when she was supposed to be focusing on the Reapers if they were heartbroken over the tragically doomed lovers.

She reached his picture, it was large, blown up to ridiculous proportions. His eyes the same size as her clenched fist. She studied his features and traced fingers on her free hand along his jaw, feeling the cool smooth glass.

Shepard turned to take the rose from the usher, but as she looked down at it she froze. Gone were the snow white roses that had been laid at all the other portraits, in its place was a single beautiful red one. She closed her eyes, trying not to boil over. They had really over done it this time.

_Oh well._ She thought as she tried to calm herself.

They had already seen her cry. She'd had enough, she just wanted to get out of here and if that meant playing up to this last ridiculous stunt, she'd do it. She blocked them all out, thinking of Kaidan. Bringing the rose to her lips, she kissed it, breathing in its heady scent.

_I love you Kaidan. Wherever you are, know that I love you. I will never stop loving you. _

She lay the single red flower down on the pile of white. But as she looked into the crowd, she noticed no one was looking at her, not even Kaidan's mother who was sobbing violently. Their eyes were all trained on the screen behind her. She turned and the image she saw made her sick to her stomach. Footage played behind her. A youthful looking Kaidan, not quite as she remembered him, stood magnified on the large screen. In front of him, the pilot, Joker she recalled, lay a white rose down on a plaque which read Commander Shepard. The pain in the pilot's eyes was evident. This was footage of the crew that had survived the SR-1 paying their respects. Kaidan approached the plaque. If the others looked mournful his expression was one of undiluted grief-stricken agony and he was failing miserably at trying to mask it. Shepard heard Eleanor audibly sob from the crowd but she could not remove her gaze, transfixed on the screen. Kaidan lay the flower gently on the plaque, then pressed his hand down firmly on her name as if covering it would make it disappear. As he turned away, Joker took him in a gentle embrace and the two exited the screen as the procession continued.

Shepard stood, glued to the spot, her mouth hung open in shock. She tried to process what she had just seen. They had pulled the footage of her funeral, her crew saying goodbye and they'd played it, here, now. Kaidan placing a flower on her memorial as she place one on his. Oh yeah, they'd love that. The symmetry was beautiful but wholly and utterly callous. Bile rose in Shepard's throat, tears fell freely down her cheeks and she clenched her fists in anger. Her only instinct was to run, get out of here as fast as possible, she turned from the screen and fled down the aisle as fast as her crutch would allow her.

"Shepard!" Jack called out, rising to pursue her.

Shepard didn't stop; she had reached the large church doors before Jack was even out of her seat.

Once outside, Shepard threw her crutches down and ran. Her injuries slowed her down and her body screamed out in protest but it didn't stop her. She didn't have a plan, or know where she was going; she just carried on, winding her way through the grave stones. The tears she normally fought so hard to contain came uncontrollably. It wasn't just the video, the fact that her life, her heartbreak had been turned into a media spectacle at the expense of anyone and everyone involved. It was everything. The position she had found herself in. The life she had forgotten, the life that included Kaidan, the memories that wouldn't return. The fact that those memories were all she had left. It was the reality of facing the person she had become without him, a hollow shell, empty, a ghost of her former self. The thought of what she'd loved and what she'd lost. The realisation that this was it, this was the end for them, this was goodbye. She couldn't kid herself anymore, she couldn't keep telling herself that he was coming back, it hurt too much. He'd loved her, the pain on his face in that god forsaken video had more than proved it, but he was gone and she had no where left to run to.

Shepard stopped in her tracks; she was still in the grave yard, no sign of Jack. It was peaceful out there, away from all the people; it allowed her to calm down. What would he think if he could see her now, on her own in the middle of a grave yard sobbing her eyes out? She needed to say goodbye, in her own way, no gimmicks, no flowers or plaques. Just her and Kaidan. She closed her eyes.

"Kaidan…" She whispered into the wind. "Where ever you are, know that I love you, I will always love you." She sighed. "I only have this little piece of you left but I miss you, all the time. I hate myself, I hate that I'm here without you. I would give anything to trade places, anything. I can't believe that you're gone, but I have to. I still feel you, like you're near to me but then I open my eyes and you're not here. It kills me. Everyday, everything is hard. I've tried… so hard to tell myself that you're gone and you're not coming back, but I can't accept it. I'm captivated by you, by the traces of life you've left behind. It's like none of this is real without you, like you've left my soul empty... I'm nothing without you… I've lost my faith in everything, in myself, in any future. I don't know how to do this alone, I don't want to." She sighed; she was losing control again, the tears coming faster. "I hope you know that I did it all for you, I knew love because of you and as long as I live I will never forget you. I don't want to. And I pray that one day I will find you on the other side. Goodbye Kaidan… I love you."

Shepard opened her eyes slowly, taking deep breaths to steady her emotions. She figured she should try and find Jack, she'd be worried. She turned back to the church but out of the corner of her eye she noticed a figure watching her by an ornate angel headstone. She squinted, trying to identify the person.

"Hello?" She called.

She walked closer to get a better view. The figure didn't move as she approached, she only had to walk a few meters before she recognised him, she would know his face anywhere.

"Kaidan!" She shouted.

She tried to run, but her body resisted still in agony after her earlier overexertion. So she hobbled to him, as fast as her injuries would allow. Kaidan turned slowly and began to walk away.

"KAIDAN!" She shouted again.

He didn't even flinch, just carried on his course getting further and further way.

Shepard couldn't think straight.

_He was alive?! He was here! What was he doing? Why was he just leaving her? _

Hot angry tears began to fall down her cheeks; she would never reach him like this.

"KAIDAN!" She screamed at him, her anger taking over and allowing her to pick up the pace.

But her body finally betrayed her, her legs gave way beneath her and she fell. She came down hard, knocking her temple on a gravestone as she went down.

"Shepard!" Jack called, she ran over, kneeling in the mud by Shepard. "Here you are! Are you alright? I was worried sick. I'm so sorry about what happened in there. If I had any idea… Somebody is going to fucking pay, Shepard! They'll be lucky if they can suck fucking soup through a fucking straw when I'm finished! Urgh I am so pissed off right now!"

"Go after him Jack, get Kaidan." Shepard struggled to move her head to another glimpse of him.

Jack followed her eye line; a puzzled expression crossed her beautiful face.

"Shepard what are you talking about? There's no one there."

Shepard pushed herself up off the ground, ignoring her bodies protest and the blood that poured down her face.

"Hey, try not to move too much." Jack helped her up into a sitting position, supporting her weight.

Jack was right, there was no one there. No where he could have got to that quickly, no foot prints in the mud, no sign that he had ever been there at all.


	8. Home

Chapter Eight: Home 

A few weeks had passed since the funeral. They'd upped Shepard's medication, partly because of the damage she had done overexerting herself and partly because she hadn't stopped seeing things that weren't there. Well not things, she'd been seeing Kaidan, just Kaidan. Yesterday she had been wandering the hospital halls and he'd been there, casually reading off a clip board. Shepard had frozen in her tracks until a nurse laid her hand on Shepard's back, causing her to blink. Kaidan's image was instantly replaced with that of a brown haired doctor bearing not even a vague resemblance to Kaidan. Sometimes, she woke in the middle of the night and he was there, just watching her. But when she tried to speak to him he would just fade into nothing and she was alone again.

The doctors thought she had got better after the last few days, that their medication working its magic, in reality she'd just stopped telling them about it. Besides, she preferred it this way, if she didn't mention it no one looked at her like she was crazy. Perhaps she was crazy, but at the end of the day she was Commander Shepard, her priority was always the mission and right now that mission was moving on with her life. She couldn't do that here at the hospital and now they thought she was well enough they were finally going to let her leave.

Today she had decided to start packing her things. She wasn't leaving till the end of the week but the task allowed her to relax a little. The door to her room was open and it let a light breeze roll through.

"Shepard?" Logan said from behind her, poking his head round the door as if he sought permission to enter.

"Oh, hi Logan." Shepard smiled, putting down the top she was folding. "Come in."

"Thanks." He stepped forward awkwardly, his hands instantly finding his pockets.

Logan wasn't himself, his nature was usually open and carefree but today he looked troubled. His emerald eyes had taken on a stormy quality and he looked around the room nervously, his gaze briefly resting on Shepard's picture of Kaidan before he closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them again his were eyes intense and he was looking directly at Shepard.

"Is everything alright?" Shepard said, stepping closer and resting a hand on his bicep.

He glanced down at her hand, when he looked up again his eyes bore into hers.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Well… here I am." She smiled again, trying to lighten the mood.

His behaviour was so unlike him and was making her feel a little uncomfortable. Shepard removed her hand and he seemed to realise that he was making her uneasy.

"Sorry." He sighed. "I'm acting weird." He smiled, and a little bit of his normal carefree self crept in.

"Maybe a little." She winced playfully as she spoke.

Logan laughed. "Sorry, it's just been a little... odd between us lately, and, well, they're letting me go so this is kind of a reluctant goodbye." The smile disappeared from his face and his intense look was back.

"They're letting me go too, not till the end of the week though."

"They are? I'll see you at the Alliance base then?" He could barely contain his excitement; relief flooding through him as his eyes quickly scanned her face for an answer.

"No." She paused and Logan looked as though his heart sank. "I'm not going to the base." She continued. "I'm going to stay with Kaidan's Mother for a while. But she lives nearby, near to the base. It doesn't have to be goodbye, not if we don't want it to."

"Shepard..." His disappointment was gone, replaced by that same intensity from earlier. "There's things I wanna say."

Shepard felt a twinge in her head at familiarity of his words, a sharp shooting pain, causing her to raise her hand to the bandage covering her wound from the graveyard, brushing her hair out of the way.

"Are you alright? What happened to your head?" Logan said, concerned.

"I fell, had to have some stitches. It's fine really, just a brief shooting pain, please carry on."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, removing her hand to stop him worrying, the pain really had gone. He looked at her suspiciously but decided to continue anyway.

"Listen, I wanted to tell you... huh, this isn't easy. I can't think of the right way to say this but - I can't stop thinking about you. I've fallen for you Shepard. And I know there's things going on with your life right now that means you can't feel the same way I do. But I wanted you to know that's okay. I want to be the one who is there for you… I know you feel it too, all I'm asking for is a chance, a chance to see where this could take us." He stopped, holding his breath as he waited for a reply, his gaze fixed on her.

"Logan..." She spoke quietly, looking down at the floor. "You don't want to be with me. I'm fucked up and there's no magic way to fix it. I'm a mess. And I mean, look at you, you could have anyone you wanted. You don't want me, you have no idea what you'd be letting yourself for -"

"-Don't try and tell me what I want Shepard. I know what I want, I want you." He took hold of her, pulling her closer, quickly bringing his mouth down onto hers.

For a split second she didn't react, but slowly her lips moved underneath his, returning the kiss. After all, it was Logan. He was right she did feel something for him, what it was she wasn't sure but maybe he was exactly what she needed. He was light hearted, caring, a complete and utter contrast to the dark downward spiral that consumed the rest of her life.

Shepard didn't know what made her open her eyes at that particular moment, but she did. There, in the doorway, over Logan's left shoulder, stood Kaidan looking directly at her, his mouth hung open in surprise. Shepard quickly pushed Logan away.

"You can't kiss me." She rushed out panicked words, taking a step back and casting her eyes down at the floor.

Logan looked at her puzzled for a moment by her sudden rejection, and then turned to see what had startled her.

"Oh! Hello Mrs. Alenko." He said politely.

_Mrs. Alenko?_

Shepard shot her head up.

_Oh God! _

It was worse that she had thought. It wasn't another Kaidan hallucination, but his Mother. Here, real, and she had seen Shepard locked in Logan's arms, kissing him! Her subconscious had picked up on the family resemblance and replaced her face with Kaidan's.

_Fuck! What must she think of me? His funeral was two weeks ago and she walks in on me with someone else! Some way grieve… What the fuck do I even say? _

"Err.. Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, the door was open. I - Erm... Shepard, I was in the area and came to see if you wanted to go out for lunch - and whether you had anything ready that needed moving to mine. But I didn't realise you were busy - I'll go."

"No-" Logan jumped forward. "No, don't go. I was just leaving. Err... Shepard, I'll see you later. Mrs. Alenko, nice to see you."

He nodded at them both awkwardly, before stuffing his hands in his pockets and darting out of the room with a guilty look on his face.

Eleanor looked after him, before turning back to Shepard and smiling as though nothing had happened.

"So, lunch?" Eleanor asked casually.

* * *

"Kaidan." A voice whispered softly into his ear.

"Kaidan." It repeated.

Kaidan's eyes fluttered involuntarily, the familiarly of the voice rousing him. But he was tired, he just wanted to sleep, why was someone trying to disturb him?

"Kaidan, please."

He opened his eyes. He lay on the floor, surrounded by a great expanse of purple hazy nothingness. There was no one here, he was completely alone.

_But that voice? _

"You're awake!" The voice exulted and Kaidan instantly recognised its owner.

_Shepard?_

Kaidan rolled onto his right searching for her. Shepard crouched on her knees next to him, her smiling face above him, fixated on his own. He swore she hadn't been there a moment ago.

"Shepard!" He sat up, pulling her into his arms, embracing her tightly.

She laughed the sound light and beautiful.

Kaidan held her, just enjoying the sensation of her in his arms again. Her body pressed firmly against his, her face tucked into the crux of his neck, his chin resting on her shoulder. She didn't move, just accepted his touch.

He couldn't tell how much time had passed when he opened his eyes again, but when he did he became more aware of their surroundings. Something wasn't right here...

"This isn't real, is it?" Kaidan questioned, releasing her from the embrace.

She laughed again. "It can be."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't go back Kaidan, stay here, with me, forever. This can be our reality, we don't need anything else. Just each other." She said, laying her hand on his cheek.

He nestled his face into her palm, closing his eyes. He didn't want to go back, he didn't want to leave her, not again.

"Will you stay with me?"

He opened his eyes and looked deep into her eyes. He couldn't lose her again. He'd lost her too many times.

"Yes."

She smiled, letting out a sigh of relief before reaching forward and placing her lips softly on his. He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her closer once again and deepening the kiss.

"Kaidan." Another voice spoke from far off in the distance.

He broke away from her lips, looking around in the haze.

"Who's there?" He called out into the nothingness.

"Ignore it." Shepard reached up with both hands, attempting to pull his face back down to hers. He ignored her, still searching for whoever else was here with them. Recognition tugged at him, he would know that voice anywhere, but it couldn't be.

"Kaidan." The other voice spoke again, but this time it sounded closer, somewhere behind him.

He turned to face it and his suspicions were confirmed.

"Ash!" He exclaimed.

The purple haze parted as Ashley Williams stepped through it, a bright light streamed from her wake. Ashley smiled at him with loving eyes. She was dressed completely in white, her eyes shone and her skin almost looked as if it glowed. Everything about her was beautiful.

"Kaidan… You can't stay here. You don't belong here." She spoke slowly, holding out her hand to him.

Kaidan stood up cautiously, never taking his eyes off Ash and removing Shepard's hands as they frantically tried to pull him back to her.

"Kaidan, no!" Shepard shouted as he walked slowly towards Ashley.

"Ash, it's so good to see you." As he took hold of her outstretched hand his own began to glow, golden lights dancing off his skin. "But - if you're here..." He turned back to Shepard, who remained on the floor, looking both horrified and defeated. "... That - that means Shepard's dead too." He looked at Ashley, a tear rolling down his cheek; she instantly reached up with her free hand to wipe it away.

"No." She smiled. "This is no place for the dead. This is a place between the worlds. A cage within your own mind, nothing more. That is not really Shepard. You know that, deep down in your heart. And now, you must go."

"How?"

"Your love for Shepard was enough to conjure her up here; it is enough to take you back. Now, close your eyes and think of being with her again, where you belong."

"But Ash, there's so much I want to say to you-"

"There is no time for that. I know. I miss you too." She reached out and rested a hand on his cheek; the light from her skin began radiating from his face. "She needs you, go back to her."

So Kaidan closed his eyes and thought. Thought of all the things he loved about her, how strong she was, how determined, of much how she'd altered his life, of all the things they'd been through together and how much they still had left to do.

"Ashley... I don't even know if she's alive-"

As he opened his eyes to speak something inside him shifted, the purple haze disappeared and instead he saw a dark room. He instantly drew a gasping breath, lifting himself off his back and causing him to splutter and cough. His neck stung and he winced with pain as he moved.

Slowly he took in the room around him, a location he knew well, the medical bay on the Normandy. He swung his legs off the bed, judging from the darkness it was late and Dr. Chakwas was probably in her bunk sleeping. Carefully, he stood up, testing his legs before he put his full weight onto them. He was a little dizzy but okay enough to walk so he made his way out of the door.

When Kaidan entered the mess hall he found his father, slumped on the table, a cup of coffee in hand. At the sound of the door his father awoke suddenly, quickly lifting his head and blinking a few times before rubbing his eyes.

"Son! You're awake." He stood, walked over and hugged him Kaidan tightly. Then he pulled away and gave his soon a good look over. "I've been worried sick. Dr. Chakwas told me you were over the worse but I couldn't sleep a wink."

"How long have I been out?" Kaidan asked.

"Nearly 2 weeks. Don't worry everyone has settled in fine. The Doctor should check you over; I'll go wake her up." He turned, but Kaidan grabbed his arm.

"No, please Dad, not right now. Let her sleep. I'm fine and I've spent enough time in that medical bay recently... I thought you were dead, it's good to see you."

His father eyed him suspiciously.

"Okay... but at least sit down." His father said before sitting down himself.

Kaidan obliged him, taking the seat opposite.

"You heard from your mother recently?"

"Yeah, just before the last push on Earth, she was worried about you, we both were."

"Well, I would have been dead if it weren't for you son. But lets not dwell on that. Your crew tell me we've won the war, that the Reapers are gone."

Kaidan nodded, looking down at the table. Every time he thought about the Reapers he thought about how they may have cost him Shepard's life and that he still had no way of knowing her fate.

"They speak highly of you, you know. You're a good soldier, kid." He laughed. "Better than I ever was! The whole galaxy owes you and your crew their lives. You're a hero. I'm proud to call you my son."

Kaidan looked up and smiled sadly at his father.

"They're not my crew Dad, they're Shepard's."

"Ah, yes, Shepard... The crew told me about her too - and about the two of you. How come you never told me and your mother? When you came home after she died on the SR-1? You were a mess, if we'd have known, we could have - anyway, not that it matters now. I know you loved her. I'm sorry son."

"We don't know if she is dead yet." Kaidan said threw gritted teeth.

He was holding on to the hope of her still being alive so tightly, he didn't need to have an argument with his Dad about it too. Had he really seen Ashley when he was unconscious, or was it just his imagination? She'd seemed to believe Shepard was alive, she would know or maybe Kaidan's subconscious had just wanted her to say so.

His father didn't say anything for a moment, before leaning forward across the table.

"Of course we don't. She's been through worse and survived... See, and there's another reason you should have told us! I can just imagine your Mom swooping in to look after her in our absence, such a Mother Hen that one."

Kaidan smiled, he cherished how well his parents knew one another. He could just imagine his Mom doing exactly that, if she had known about him and Shepard. Maybe he should have told them, if she was alive Shepard could probably do with the support. But then again, she wasn't used to people fussing over her and if there was one thing his Mom liked to do it was fuss.

"I think Shepard would like Mom."

"Yeah?" He smiled. "Well I can't wait to meet her. Now, I'm going to go and get the doctor, you look exhausted. Wait here." He said as he rose from the table, briefly pausing to squeeze Kaidan's good shoulder as he passed.

* * *

The move from the hospital had gone off without a hitch and now Eleanor pulled her car up outside a quaint, somewhat old fashioned house. It was just the sort of place Shepard could imagine Eleanor owning and Kaidan growing up in. It gave off that family home vibe with its cute wooden fence and flower filled garden.

Eleanor hadn't mentioned witnessing the incident with Logan a few days ago so Shepard didn't bring it up. She also hadn't found a spare moment to talk to Logan either. He'd left the hospital for the Alliance HQ without saying goodbye in person, just a note he'd left on Shepard's bed whilst she'd been in training. All he wrote was that he'd got Eleanor's home phone number off Jack and he'd be in touch when they were both settled. Jack had returned to her students, promising to visit every weekend until Shepard was sick of the site of her. Shepard missed her company but she was happy to see her go, Jack's students were important to her and Shepard could tell she was eager to get back to them.

Shepard climbed out of the car and grabbed a box out of the boot, there were only a few, she didn't really have that much stuff, only what had been in her old room in the Alliance base and the stuff she'd accumulated at hospital.

"Leave those for the moment dear; let me show you around first." Eleanor called as she swung open the gate and headed up the gravel path.

Shepard closed the boot; already holding one box she thought she might as well bring it inside and followed Eleanor to the door.

The house was just as homely on the inside as it was on the out and was deceptively large. The front door led them to a large opened plan living area. On one side were a set of slightly worn leather sofas, with handmade patchwork quilts thrown over them, facing a large brick fire place. Along the fireplace were numerous family photos, mainly featuring Kaidan. Some of him as a baby, some as a young child and some of him as an awkward looking teenager. Some alone and some with his family. But all beautiful. He always looked so happy, smiling brightly at the camera. Shepard quickly looked away from them as her emotions started to get the better of her. She was starting to wonder if coming here had been the best idea.

On the other side was a modest kitchen and large family dining table. To the back of the room was a set of large patio doors opening onto a vast balcony, with breathtaking views over English Bay.

"It's lovely." Shepard said; her gaze still fixed on the view out the window and across the water.

"Thank you. We always loved it here." Eleanor smiled. "My room is down that way, as is the family bathroom." She said, pointing down the hall way which led off the kitchen. "But let me show you to your room first and you can get rid of that box." She headed for the opposite hall way, the one which ran on the opposite side, past the living room.

Eleanor passed a few rooms, identifying them as they moved through the house. Eventually she stopped and opened the door in front of them.

"This was Kaidan's room." She said softly as they stepped inside.

Shepard looked around the room, it had a double bed in the centre, which was a relief for Shepard after sleeping in that small hospital bed for so long. A simple wardrobe and chest of draws were to her right and a door to an en-suite on her left. There was a desk along the opposite wall, upon which sat a couple more photos of Kaidan, mostly with his friends. Above it hung a large pin board, full of things Kaidan had once thought important enough to keep there. More pictures, movie posters, pictures of bands, pamphlets about BRAIN CAMP, a news paper clipping about saving the Citadel from Saren with a photo of the whole Normandy crew, and on the corner of the vast board hung a blue baseball cap bearing the Alliance logo.

Shepard walked over to the board slowly as she took it all in. She placed the box she carried down on top of the desk and picked up a picture of a very young, fresh faced Kaidan, wearing what appeared to be his first Alliance uniform. It must have been taken when he enlisted.

"I thought you might feel more comfortable in here; if not there is a guest room down the hall?"

"It's perfect." Shepard replied, glancing round the room once more.

"Good... I'll give you a moment to settle in and then we can get the rest of your stuff if you like." Eleanor smiled and left the room.

Shepard walked over to the bed and sat down, surveying her surroundings again.

This was harder than she thought it was going to be. Amongst all his things, his gawky teenage pictures, the stuff he'd thought important enough to keep no matter where the Alliance sent him, the things that made this his home. The place he had run to for shelter when he'd thought she was dead. Now it was her turn to pull herself back together and find a way to move on with her life. Somehow, it felt right to be here, the only sense of belonging Shepard had felt since she woke up in that hospital all those months ago. This was as close to Kaidan as she had managed to get. Keeping their relationship secret meant there was very little evidence of its existence. But it's not like they wouldn't have needed that, they had each other and their memories. That's all Kaidan would have had after her death, his memories. Now she had even less, her memory of their life together in a collection of tattered rags. Shepard felt a chill run through her. She had gone too deep into her thoughts and she was letting her emotions get the better of her. She didn't have time for that right now. Later she could dwell on all that and give herself over to her grief. Right now, Eleanor was expecting her to begin unloading her stuff from the car.

Still feeling the cold, Shepard rose from the bed; she walked over to the wardrobe and swung the door open, hoping to find something to keep out the chill. A few odd clothes hung in front of her, she ran her hand along them, Kaidan's clothes. She wasn't sure how she felt about disturbing them. It was good of Eleanor to even let her in here, let alone use it as her room. After losing a child most parents would want to keep everything just how they had left it, like at any moment they could come back and would need to assume their life before. But Kaidan wasn't coming back, maybe Eleanor was just good at accepting that and knew that Shepard needed to be in this room, needed to be close to him.

On the top shelf of the wardrobe Shepard noticed a yellow woollen blanket and pulled it down. It was a little bit worn and the colour was faded but it was just the right size. Shepard wrapped it around herself and padded back to living room.

"Shepard." Eleanor beamed over her shoulder as Shepard joined her in the kitchen. "Sit, I've made coffee."

Shepard did as she was commanded and walked over to the kitchen table, taking a seat facing Eleanor. The older woman turned from the counter, carrying over a tray with steaming two coffees and all the extras you could possibly require, biscuits, cream, milk, various types of sugar. As she approached the table she looked up from the tray, noticing the blanket around Shepard's shoulders for the first time. She stilled and a sad smile crossed her face.

"Oh… Kaidan's old comfort blanket." She placed the tray on the table. "He'd kill me for telling you but he carried that thing everywhere till he was about 12 years old!" She laughed as she sat down, but the sound wasn't right, the pain audible.

"Sorry, I didn't know. I'll go put it back."

"No! Don't be silly! It's not you my dear. It's just... he was such a sweet boy. I miss him." She said quietly as her eyes glistened with tears.

"I miss him too."

Eleanor sighed. "I'm glad you're here." She said as she reached over and took hold of Shepard's hand. "You know, it's actually nice to see you using it. Shows how in tune you two were, even now." She smiled, the sadness subsiding somewhat. She released Shepard's hand. "Now drink up. Oh! I almost forgot! Logan rang a few moments ago. I told him you would ring him back when you got a chance."

Shepard took a drink of her coffee attempting to avoid eye contact. She did not want to talk about Logan with Kaidan's Mother, she was still reeling from the other day.

"Oh, Logan? Thanks, I'll ring him back later." Shepard said awkwardly.

"Shepard... you don't need to hide your relationship with Logan from me. I'm not mad or upset -"

"It's not really a relationship… as such - we're just friends." Shepard interjected a little too quickly.

"That's not what it looked like the other day." Eleanor raised an eyebrow.

"Well I suppose. Logan wants us to be more than friends."

"And what do you want?" Eleanor asked.

"I don't know." Shepard sighed.

"Well it sounds like you need to figure that out then. All I'm saying is don't feel like you have to hide it from me to spare my feelings. Logan is a nice guy and he cares about you. Kaidan isn't coming back. You're young and although wallowing in loneliness and self pity might be what you feel like doing right now, when you're old like me you might regret it, being alone most your life, missing out on having children of your own." She paused. "Feel free to tell me to stop being an interfering old woman."

"You're not." Shepard smiled. "I appreciate the advice. Thank you. For everything, for being so understanding, for letting me come here. Kaidan was lucky to have a mother like you."

Eleanor shook her head.

"No, I was lucky to have a son like him."

Later that night, Shepard opened the door to Kaidan's room and entered cautiously. She had unpacked now, her belongings nestled alongside Kaidan's almost seemed like they had always been there, like they belonged there. Eleanor had bought Shepard a new pyjama set as a welcoming gesture, to "make her feel at home" and laid it neatly on the bed. Shepard walked over and picked them up, running the soft fabric through her fingers, intently studying the little pink flowers. She was suddenly startled by the sound of the shower turning on in the en-suite; the sound of water hitting the tiled walls echoed behind the door. She put the pyjama's down and slowly crept towards the bathroom door. When she reached it she turned the handle slowly, trying not to make as sound before quickly swinging the door open. As the mist cleared a little she could make out a figure in the shower, causing the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. There he stood, completely naked with his back to the door; a figure she knew very well. She watched, mesmerised as water sluiced over the mass of dark hair on his head, past broad muscular shoulders and over a sculpted perfect round buttocks.

"Kaidan?" She called, squinting through the mist as she hurried towards him.

"Kaidan!" She repeated when he gave no reply.

She edged forward; reaching for him, now only inches away. As she went to place a hand on his shoulder, her hand slipped through its intended target and she stumbled into the cold tile wall. The illusion shattered. The shower was off, the room completely dry and mist free as though the shower had never even been on. And Kaidan was gone. Shepard turned and slammed her back against the hard tiles before sinking to the ground. Tears formed in her eyes. She was really losing it. The hallucinations were getting worse, more vivid and frequent. There was no moving on with her life. Her mind wouldn't let her, her memory had left her and now it was using what little she had left against her. A prisoner to her own psyche. She was confused, unsure of what was good for her and what was making her worse. Tears began to roll down her cheeks as she thought of all the things people had done for her, Eleanor, Jack, Miranda, Ori, Logan… Shepard closed her eyes. She had to be strong. This wasn't who she was, breaking down on the cold floor of the shower because she wasn't in control. She had to take control, find a way to get through this and like everything she had overcome since she'd woken up in hospital, she couldn't do it alone. Shepard stood up and strode purposefully into the bedroom. Carefully, she placed the pyjamas on top of the cupboard before rooting through the drawers, until she found what she was looking for. An old faded t-shirt. Shepard stripped off and pulled Kaidan's oversized top over her head. She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling closer to him. She loved Kaidan, she would always love Kaidan. But she had to remember him in her own way, on her own terms, not with painfully realistic hallucinations that tricked her into thinking he was alive. And tomorrow was a new day, another day to work on that, to work on moving on with her life. With positive thoughts on her mind, and a heart full of fragmented memories, Shepard climbed into the bed and went to sleep.

* * *

A few days had passed since Kaidan had woken up. His bite wound still oozed yellow gunge in places but both Dr. Chakwas and K'tulu had examined it and concluded he would be fine, something about the toxins escaping his system. The crew had been running a tight ship in his absence and the new arrivals had settled in with the crew quite nicely. Things were going so well in fact that he had been told to take it easy as much as possible, but he found that hard.

Some of the crew were still weary of K'tulu. She didn't seem to mind, she spent most of her time learning about the ship, experimenting with various parts. She'd also found a friend in Tali who loved teaching her all about tech, reminiscing about her pilgrimage days aboard the Normandy SR-1 and learning the ships secrets.

Kaidan starred into the Galaxy Map. Where were they? How far away were they from the Milk Way? Would they ever see it again? Would they ever get home? The questions swimming round his head were interrupted by a furious Joker over the comm system.

"ALENKO! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR STOWAWAY DOING IN THE AI CORE?! I SWEAR TO GOD IF THAT THING TOUCHES EDI-"

"I'm on it Joker!" Kaidan sprinted for the elevator before the pilot completely lost his shit.

_What is K'tulu doing?_

As he approached the AI core smoke was rolling underneath the door and the sound of sparks could be heard coming from the other side. Kaidan quickly entered the room.

K'tulu stood at the wall, slightly hunched over; she'd pulled the panel completely off and was elbow deep inside it. Wires hung everywhere. For a brief moment he was suspended in shock at the complete and utter chaos she had caused.

"K'tulu, what the hell are you doing?! Stop!" He commanded.

But it was too late; Joker had already made his way to the AI core, hot on Kaidan's heels. His face was red with rage; Kaidan had never seen him this angry before, ever.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" Joker yelled.

Kaidan stuck out an arm to stop Joker getting any further. He knew how strong K'tulu was and if she so much as pushed Joker away from her she would probably break his spine.

"FOR FUCK SAKE ALENKO! STOP HER! DO SOMETHING!"

K'tulu turned her head slightly, never taking her gaze away from whatever she was doing and let out a very audible hiss; a clear warning not to come any closer.

"K'tulu, please you don't understand..." Kaidan tried to reason.

But he never got a chance to finish; as he spoke K'tulu stepped back. The console next to them buzzed into life, a blue hologram appeared above it.

"J-Jeff?" EDI's confused voice came from the ship.

"EDI?!" Joker exclaimed, he pushed Kaidan out of the way and lunged at the console. He fell to his knees, gripping the sides of the machine as tears began escaping from his eyes.

"Jeff! What happened? I remember - the explosion, I remember fear and then my memory bank is blank… I sense my body is none functional."

"Never mind that, I'll buy you a shiny new body, any body you want! I thought I'd lost you..." Joker gushed before remembering his audience; he turned to look at K'tulu, all his anger forgotten. "Thank you."

"It is my pleasure." She nodded.

Joker looked back to EDI. "Come on, I'll fill you in on the details in the cockpit."

"I shall see you up there... and Jeff, I love you." EDI replied.

"I love you too." Joker said before getting up and exiting the room.

Kaidan turned to K'tulu.

"That was a nice thing you did."

"Tali'Zorah tell me of EDI and the pilot. I look to see if I can fix. EDI's hardware damaged by Reaper beam, software still saved inside Normandy. Quite simple really. If others have work out the ways it should be possible to restore some Mass Relays, get to Earth sooner than estimated."

"I hope you're right. Whether it was simple or not, Joker will be eternally grateful, I'm sure. EDI is important to him."

"Yes. He loves her." K'tulu paused. "I understand from crew that you were also in love, with Commander Shepard. That is why you ask me strange question in the prison. You wish to know if she survived."

"Yes." He said softly. It was hard to talk about Shepard but K'tulu had certainly proved herself, she deserved to know a little about him.

"I do not know this. But I want you to know, if I could fix her as I could EDI then I would. I was in love once, I know pain of loss."

"Thank you, I wish it were that "simple"." He sighed. "How did you lose somebody? If you don't mind me asking."

"You have seen my world, the way it was. When I was a young girl, my mother was not very important, of low class. So I sent to work in tower, to cook, to clean. There I met male. Despite all that happen to him he was still happy, hopeful, with dreams of different world for our people. He was handsome and strong willed. I would sit and listen to his ideas for hours, I would sneak him extra food and books to learn. They would beat him regularly but he remain of strong spirit, no matter how hard they try, they could not break him. Every time I would bathe his wounds and slowly our love for each other grew. When our love turn physical, I become with child. Elders find out about us. They kill him. In their religion, once male fathers child they make him sacrifice to gods. They make me watch. They take my baby. Make her into priestess, the ones in tower with red robes. Raise her there, live in there her whole life, never see outside world, never to know me." She paused looking down at her hands; the subject obviously painful for her to talk about. "That is why I hope to go back to my home, to free those who will come, a new planet, where we can live together. Fall in love, have families. Maybe even see my girl again."

Silence hung in the air for a moment. Kaidan was shocked by her tragic story but had great admiration for her. He admired her frank openness about her past. How her experiences had shaped her into this brave individual, fighting for a better life for her people.

"K'tulu… I promise, as soon as I am able, I will help you with this. We will help you and your people."

"You are kind Kaidan Alenko. Whether it was your gods or mine that brought you to my planet, I am glad they did." She smiled, the softest smile Kaidan had seen her give.

"Major, you might wanna see this." Joker's voice crackled over the comms, interrupting their conversation.

"On my way." He nodded at K'tulu.

Kaidan made his way to the bridge. A brief smile passed his lips when he saw EDI, back in her rightful place, at Joker's side but that quickly faded when he remembered Joker's serious tone. This was still business, there would be time for celebrating later.

"What you got Joker?" He asked, scanning Joker's screen.

"It turns out we are not as far from the Milky Way as previously believed. In fact, we were just on the outskirts. I recognised the star structure ahead of us, it's the Kite's Nest system." EDI answered. "It would be a great risk to travel through, but the mass relay appears... functional."

The hairs stood up on the back of Kaidan's neck, he gripped the back of Joker's chair tightly, his mouth falling slightly open.

"How?" Was all Kaidan managed to say.

"Who cares how! Kaidan - we're going home." Joker emphasised.

* * *

"It's beautiful here." Logan commented.

Shepard looked up at him and then followed his gaze across the water to the point where it met the clear blue sky. It was late afternoon as they walked along English Bay. The sun hung low in the sky, warming the sand beneath their feet. They'd had a long lazy lunch with Eleanor on the balcony before she'd suggested they took a walk along the bay. Shepard had walked here pretty much everyday since her arrival, to the extent that all the practice meant she no longer needed her crutch and could walk unaided again. She loved it here, but it was somewhat bittersweet. Although she felt happy walking along the beautiful shore line she couldn't shift the same constant nagging feeling.

_Kaidan should be here... _

"It really is." Shepard sighed.

This was the first time Logan had come to visit her here, they still hadn't spoken about the fact he kissed her, or that she kissed him back.

"It's a great spot for running actually - when you're feeling up to it. You know, along the beach? You'd have to keep up though, I don't want to be leaving you behind to eat my dust - or sand for that matter!" He nudged her playfully, sending her slightly off balance.

"You think you could out run me solider?! Well luckily for you I'm on strict orders from the doctor - no excessive physical excursion, otherwise I'd love proving how very wrong you are." She said raising an eyebrow.

"Excuses! I'll believe it when I see it." He laughed.

"Oh yeah laugh it up! You won't find it so amusing when I embarrass you by beating you by a mile!"

"You embarrass me?" He looked at her mischievously.

Before Shepard could guess what he was up to he lifted her off the ground. She screeched as he threw her over his shoulder into a fireman's lift.

"Put me down!" She screamed kicking her legs and p0unding her fists onto his back.

But Logan didn't listen to her protest; in fact he completely ignored her as he headed for the sea.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Shepard shouted as they reached the water, Logan's long strides kicking up the sea water and lightly splashing her.

People on the beach were starting to take notice, a few children had gathered by the waters edge, laughing at the spectacle. Logan didn't care and carried on. The water was rising up past his thigh now and getting too close for Shepard's comfort.

"I swear to God Logan, if you do not put me down I'll-"

"Oh you want putting down? Why didn't you say so?" He said, amused as he let go of Shepard, sliding her body along his own and dumping her in the sea.. He kept his arm around the small of her back, holding her close to him.

"You bastard!" Shepard said breathlessly as she gazed up at him, her fists clenched and wresting on his chest, her face inches away from his own.

He smiled, pushing a wet tendril of hair out of her face.

"Shepard..." He sighed. "What you said the other day, that I couldn't kiss you, did you mean it?"

"No."

He smiled, leaning forward and bringing his lips towards hers. Shepard closed her eyes, but just as she felt his breath against her lips she pulled away, lightly pushing against his chest.

"Wait." She said, as she opened her eyes his were already boring down into hers. "I can't kiss you."

"This is about Kaidan, isn't it?" He asked softly.

She nodded. "Its not that I don't want to, it's just doesn't feel - right... not yet."

"I understand." He smiled sadly before letting her go and creating some space between them.

"Thank you. I'm not sure I deserve your patience." She reached forward taking his hand in a friendly gesture.

"No, it's my fault. I know what you're going through and still I keep pushing. It's selfish of me. I should have waited, given you more time." He gave her hand a light squeeze.

She nodded. "Yeah that's exactly what I need, some time to get my head around things. There's stuff that I haven't told you, that I haven't told anyone. I need to take things slowly."

"I can do slowly. And you can tell me whatever you want to, I'll always listen." He lifted her hand to his lips, holding her gaze as he lightly kissed the back of it.

"Oh, so now you're gonna start acting like a gentleman?! After dumping me into the sea and drenching me?!"

Logan gave her a perfect grin in reply and she couldn't help laughing. But she wasn't going to let him get away with it that easily. Catching him off guard she pushed him hard, square in the chest, sending him tumbling backwards into the water. He went down with a great splash, completely submerging him and sending water flying everywhere. Before he could recover Shepard made for the beach as fast as she could, fairly certain she was going against the doctors orders of minimal physical exertion.


End file.
